I'm Throwing It Away

i'm in a mess right now.. i'm throwing my studies out the window. i seriously am. i haven been studying, my exam is tomorrow. i just couldnt make myself study, i really dunno whats up with me. i think i really need a break from my studies, to cool down. it's hard coping your work and your studies. it really is. this never happened before..

He's Busy

Everything seems different, alex is like suddenly so busy. i just.. it's hard. when i got into the car today after class, i saw him on his laptop in the car, it kinda broke my heart, everything changed so fast, he became so busy all of a sudden. he barely have time to reply my text and hence, i kinda gave up bothering him during work. *starts tearing somewhere about here* maybe i'm being over clingy, but i'm not used to this. i know i cant expect him to be there for me all the time, talk to me all the time, but things just changed too fast and it's taking a toll on me. i know alex will most probably be depress after reading this but i cant make myself to tell alex all these in person or run to teri neither. do you even get that feeling that you have so much to say in your mind but you just dunno how to put it out into words? thats exactly how i feel now. alex is gonna be going to singapore for a week, and working on the saturdays. i thought i'm over and done with the singapore issue, but everytime alex mentions singapore it reminds me that he's gonna be gone for a week. and i just found out that he's leaving on a public holiday, coming back on a friday, working on the saturday after that. i know alex is like tired also after a whole day of work, traveling here and there. sighhh.. i feel like i'm about to burst, i really dunno how to say whats on my mind. i'm breaking down. :'(


ps : i dunno if alex still reads my blog, or if he have the time to, or if he still remember about my blog. but i kinda hope he does.

Here I Am Again

here i am again, in the middle of the night, thinking about stuff (which normally isn't a good thing). i'm just kinda stressed out about life, work, studies and all. i don't wanna make any decisions, it's like one decision will lead to another and another, but there's just so many decisions to make, i guess that's what life is all about..

I feel like the only time where i can run away from all these is when i'm with alex, or with the gang. Being with them takes all the sucky part of life away, it's just this brief lapse where you run away but eventually will have to come back to reality. Thats what i keep saying but i believe it's true. i'm just stressed out.. i kinda hope alex would come to my rescue now, but i'm sure he's soundly asleep in his bed.

i miss being in secondary school, where you don't need to worry much about life and just focus on the one thing that students do - study, but now although i'm a student, it's different, i need to worry about work and what life is throwing at my face. i would tell the secondary school kids that are still studying to enjoy the moment, have fun and all. i'd think one thing that seriously helps when you're stress is to go to sleep, you'll wake up feeling better, and thats what i'm gonna do now. sleep!

Day After 11.11.11

i just had this horribly long day, woke up for st. john, left home at 9 ish then came home at around 10 ish at night, damn tired, seriously tired and aching all over. the aching was very bad, like seriously god damn fucking pain, i couldn't even eat my dinner properly. but i would say spending the day with everyone at st. john HQ is quite fun, learning stuff and all just the pain was killing me. and yeah, having dinner with gang was good too, like so long didn't sit down together already.

and you know, i wanted to talk to my boyfriend after such a long day and just have a nice conversation with him but it didn't work out that way. i dunno, i was kinda upset with what he said to me.. i would blast every god damn thing that i wanna say about it out here but i know he would be reading this someday sooner or later and i shall not do that, i'll just keep it to myself. hmmm, yeah, i'm upset and kinda pissed when i was typing this here now. so yeah.. i'm just gonna go to bed and just cool down.

Note to friends

dear friends,

i would like to sincerely apologise for ditching you guys some times, i know i've been doing that a lot lately. i'm sorry. i won't say anything to make me seem less of a bad friend because it's just gonna be bullshit if i do. i just feel like i dont have enough time to use, working and studying is kinda tiring. i know that, when i have spare time, i've been spending most of it with alex. i really dont mean to ditch you guys, i will try to come out to meet you guys more. :)


ps : alex, dont say anything about this post.

19th September 2011

i felt so tired of everything today, and also slightly lonely i guess. partly because i was so busy with work today, i just felt like talking to someone but yeah.. my phone was so quiet today, i barely had any text. 

when he came to pick me up just now, i wanted to spend more time with him but i just didnt tell him and it was just a simple drive home. so here i am, 40 minutes after i got home, sitting in front of my computer blogging.

First Relationship

being in a relationship with someone else is something i've kinda always wanted, and now it did, but i didnt expect it to happen, i didnt expect myself to really be in a relationship with someone else. not that i'm complaining or anything, it's just that i cant believe this is real. i've always been the sucky lovey dovey type, i've always had this "ideal relationship" playing in my head such as boyfriend pick up after work, head over to his place, he cooks dinner, spend the night at his place. the ironic part of that is.. it's actually happening. it's no longer a fantasy, it's now reality.

i enjoy spending time with him, but the problem is i dont wanna be too clingy with him. i've done that before, it doesnt end well, thats for one, and the other reason is because it's like being someone else. i want me to be the rational self rather than the love stuck clingy casey. he keeps telling me he doesnt mind me being clingy, in fact he likes me being clingy but i really dont wanna be that casey. but now, i just feel so love stuck. i used to be emotional because i want to be with that special someone, but now it's still i want to be with that special someone just that it's in a different way. ahhh~ the irony of everything..

it's hard to tell if a relationship will go or not, but i hope this one does. he keeps saying it's my first relationship and i'm just exploring and such. yes, that may be true, it's my first relationship but i feel like he's everything i wanted. but in the end, nothing is certain, we'll see how it goes.

Diploma in Accounting

i passed my LCCI with 3 Distinctions out of all 3 subject. if i were to say, i didnt feel anything, would you believe me? i didnt feel excited, afraid, nervous, anxious, nothing at all. it's just like oh okay. i feel so fake. and when i told my family, it's not like they care also, so whats the point? actually, theres lots more to be told, but i just dont feel like saying..

My Desire, My Dream

I just came back from uk today. A lot has happened since the day i step foot out of malaysia and venture into england (15 june 2011), My views changed, my life changed. I saw and lived different lifestyle from the one i lived for the past 18 years of my life. Its a brand new experience, one that is meant to be kept. It really breaks my heart that i had to leave and come back to reality. Here i am 4.10am in malaysia on my bed, writing a blog on my ipod about how i wanna go back to uk, stay there and live the life that i admired people to have. Many people asked me hows my trip, i tell them "it's okay, it's good" but the honest truth is it was amazing! It was the time of my life! Its the "great escape" or what i refer to as the "bubble", a place where i could escape reality and not care about anything. I finally went into the bubble for the past 6 weeks, leaving this life here in malaysia was the best thing that happened to me, and now that my buble is gone, i just feel so lost and depress. Hence this post at 4.23am. I told myself that im gonna go work in the uk someday. I wannago back to uk. :'(

Next Phase In Life?

i kinda wonder does anyone still reads this blog? oh well. so here i am, blogging after so long. today, my one year studying for lcci came to an end. okay fine, technically it was yesterday cause now already 1am, moving on.. i would wanna feel like the weight is lifted of my shoulder, i wanna feel like i can relax, actually feel happy and excited that exams are over, but i just felt like another day, instead i have more work to catch up than before, theres no 'excuse' for me to push work to later on,  i need to rush to finish everything soon as i'll be leaving to uk. i avoided the computer for the night until now, i just dont wanna be sitting in front of the computer sorting out stuff, i want to not worry. for crying out loud, my exams finished, i'm graduating already, i wanna just throw everything away and enjoy the moment. maybe get a pat on the back telling me 'casey, you've done a good job', instead i need to deal with life.

honestly, i'm so scared to move on. i'm scared to get out of the country, i'm scared about what gonna happen next? whats the next step in my life? work? study? can i cope? questions, questions, questions.. i got 8 more days to do what i wanna do, i honestly dont think thats enough time. bottom line, what i can do now is i hope i have the time of my life in uk, just completely leave behind this life here in malaysia.

Shine A Light On Me

you know when you have this period of time, you just emotionally break down? that's what i'm going through the past week or so, on and off my days been just a wreck. i was home all day today, sitting in front of the computer, watching movies and stuff. the thought of dropping everything keeps coming up, disappearing for the next 3,4 weeks. but i dont i'm able to disappear, i dont think i can, but i want to. i have trouble sleeping at night, i think the stress is getting to me, exam is just around the corner, after that i need to worry about flying to uk, stuff to pack, stuff to bring, i need to go shopping for that, then after i come back i need to think about work and studies and practically life. i'm 18 years and 10 months old, i dont feel like i'm ready to go through all that, i'm scared to go through all that. i hope someone like my parents would read this or something, and realise how much i'm going through, but it's not likely to happen. i want a shoulder to cry on and will tell me everything will be alright in the end. days been passing by just like that, i feel like my time is flying by too fast for me to realise anything, realise i should do something more exciting with my life, realise that i need to get out more. i wanna go bowling, movies, shopping, karaoke, just do something exciting, maybe even cycling, running, jogging, i feel like i need to release my this stress thats on me. i know i'm asking a stupid question, something ironic and just unreal, but why cant life be the way we want it to be?

i hate awkward situations, i hate being stuck in the middle, i hate being left out, i hate people bugging me at the wrong moment, i'm frustrated when people give redundant comments. people just tends to do that to me all the time, my temper is just going up and down. I dont function well under stress, i wonder how am i gonna deal with work, still figuring that out, i guess it's time to step up to life's challenges. i need to wake up from dreaming of this life that isnt gonna happen. did i mention i tend to eat under stress? when i look fat-er, you'll know whats up with me. and i failed to mention it's so stupid when someone ask you 'hows life?' or 'how are you?' and you tell them 'it's good' or 'i'm fine' but actually you're far from it. i hope my knight in shiny armour would come to my rescue and shine a light on me.

The Rescue

i've been blogging so much recently, it's just that theres so many decisions to make, so many life's challenges to face. so tired, seriously so tired. don't everyone wish they had a guardian angel to guide then along the way, making the right choices in life.

sometimes i just hope to have someone to depend on, i've lost that at a very young age. having to depend on yourself i just so tiring sometimes. or i should just ask for a mr. right to depend on.

Choosing Paths

i guess everyone will eventually have to choose their own path in life after they graduate from high school, where you wanna study? what course you wanna take? and such. i wouldn't say that my path in life was a hard one, i guess it was right there in front of my all along, and i just started walking but honestly, i dunno if this is the path i wanna walk for the rest of my life. okay before i start going deeper into my future, what i wanna blog about today is more focus on the present.

a classmate of mine told me about certain issues, and it kinda made me hesitate about my initial choice in life. somewhere along the way in taking lcci, i decided that i would study part-time and work at the same time to support myself, and well gain experience and all. this friend of mine told me that from what she heard from our seniors it's hard to work and study at the same time and all, it's really tiring. it made me realise that yea, it would be really tired that after working i still need to go to classes. she said better to focus on studying first, but the problem is.. i dont have that kind of funding to go study without working, so i'm currently stuck deciding, i got 2 more months till i graduate and all.

yesterday night, when talking to pui yee, it also got me thinking can i actually work and study? it's a tough decision to make. i dont wanna end up not getting anything at all.. not finishing acca and such.

Unsatisfied

if you see this from a third person's point of view, it's considered very well done. but in my point of view, i'm not satisfied with what i got (i'm not even that sure what marks i got) i know part of my marks, and it's suppose to be really high, but i'm not happy with it. i made really stupid mistakes and i'm not proud of it. honestly, i didnt set a bar for myself in this exam, but i just feel like i didnt do as good as i hoped for, or maybe i did and i'm just not happy that someone got the same marks that i did. to me, it's not enough. i know i'm asking for perfection, but isnt that what everyone wants? PERFECTION.

Pressure

this feels like spm all over again, the pressure of studying, the pressure of not knowing what will happen, did i study enough and such. i mean, it's just an internal final, i wonder why do i even do this to myself, i guess i just dont like the feeling of loosing. it's like a marathon, you cant see anyone around you, you're running alone, you have no clue if there is anyone in front of you, the only thing you can do is to run faster to out run the others, not knowing if there are others already at the finish line.

so yeah, thats more or less what i'm going through now, i cant wait till this finals is over, i wanna go out! then after that only go back to study mode for the remaining 2 months.

Constellation

a group of friends is like a constellation, this big pattern made up of different stars. one star would just be a normal bright star in the night sky, but when a group of stars come together, it's a whole different story. i particularly like Orion cause the name is really cool, and also how the 3 stars outshines the rest. it's not about who outshining who, it's about what you can achieve by working together to form something bigger than yourself. i always wanted the be part of Orion's belt, but now i just feel like being the dimmest star in the constellation, sometimes i appear and sometimes i dont, but i'm still part of this constellation.

p/s : the last post was my 50th post on this blog!

Slacking

i dont think i can afford to slack anymore, but i know i still would. i'm scared! i'm really really scared! i feel like i'm still not at 'that' level yet. people around me is already chasing up to me, and i feel like i'm still standing still. honestly, i've never had people having high expectations of me, it's always me having high expectations for myself. and this time, people's expectation are higher than mine, and it's really stressful to keep up to people expectations. i know i've blog about this before, but it's just that, yea.. i feel the same. but this week been good, i've been kinda pushing myself to do work, normally i slack on monday and tuesday afternoon, but these two days at least i manage to complete my work. i wanna be faster than other people, it's more like i need to be faster and better than other people. i have no idea how i manage to get high marks during exams, because in daily school work, there are people can out run me. and this march exam, it's gonna be a competition, i know other subjects i might not be that good, maybe just an average score. but i need to be good in accounts, as in, i need to be hell good to set that bar high. this may sounds damn cocky, and i wouldnt say i'm THAT cocky, like 'screw him asshole' kind of cocky type of person, but i'm not gonna deny that theres a cocky bitch living in me. everyone is cocky at things that they're good at, or they just act all modest and sincere but actually they feel like 'you better watch out! yo mamma is gonna be so sorry for having you born, bitch!' i'm just saying.. i'm more of option 2 too.

i feel like maybe god is playing me, not that i'm that religious, but things have a way of working out for me. things that i really want, i normally dont get it, but when i feel like it's really hard for me to get it already, i would end up getting it. i'm not talking about materialities, not gadgets or computers or physical stuff. i'm talking about scores, marks, passing stuff, things that i cant predict. i need to be sincere enough, to actually get it. that's more or less what i concluded about my fate.

Totally Awesome

today i went to amcorp mall with dana and sasa, once we left for taman paramount lrt station, it started raining. once we reach taman jaya lrt station, it was raining heavily. i brought my umbrella and dana brought hers to, when sasa opened up dana's black lacey umbrella, sasa and i just started laughing! it's so small~ like seriously only fit one single soul under that umbrella, and so sasa and i shared umbrella and we like made our way across the street to A&W, we were half wet when we reach, and so we bought food and ate at A&W, then not long after we order, we saw hoe yinn and hoe wei and family~ coincidence much! after awhile, we decided to make our way to amcorp mall, once we reach amcorp mall, we like look around the flea market, and we kinda bought ourselves some interesting 'goods' then after that we walked around amcorp mall, looking at clothes and stuff. then we came to this like warehouse sale for clothes, went it, looked around for nice clothes, the clothes isnt bad~ puma's t shirt was really nice! i had some t shirts that i haven worn yet and so i didnt buy anything. but dana and sasa bought tops. we spend quite some time there, and after that we moved on to the book shop. (there were lots of pit stops in between destinations, so we actually went it to many different shops) there were bargain sale going on, cheap books! we looked around for nice books, i myself bought 2 books for RM10, which is really cheap. and dana bought around 6 books, and sasa bought 1. everyone's happy. :) after that we made our way back to the lrt station, but we made a stop at the flea market to pick up some 'goods' that we missed out. after we got back, we drove to look for food, and 'ta pau' it to my house. had dinner after that we watched movies, man kit and chai theng came to join us. then after that we just lepak and all..

i'm really happy la, i hadn't had much fun recently, been really busy with college work. it's good to just spend a day with friends, talk crap and just hang out, shopping. i miss doing that. but i'm really tired from all the walking, i can barely walk up the lrt station stairs. but other than that, it's good. dinner was good too~ haven had mee jawa in awhile. and i think i shall go to sleep, it's already 2am plus. 

note to self : consider re-investing in a pair of nike air max, the most awesome walking shoe's i've own in my life, painless walking, seriously, like i can walk for hours and feel no pain.

Trip To UK

my family decided to go to UK in June, like for a vacation and just take a break. i just got off the phone with my mom, and she was saying that it's expensive and all. i know this trip would cost me a fortune but i really wanna go, i mean for the last 18 years of my life, where have i been to? hong kong? that was when i was like 5 years old, i can barely remember anything now. i do think i deserve this trip for myself, even though it would cost my lots of my savings, but bottom line : it's worth it. i just wanna ship myself off this country and just live another life for 1 month or 2. is that so much to ask for? i mean it's not like i'm making my parents pay for the trip, i would be paying most of it myself but still i do hope they can help me out a little. i wanna see this come true cause it meant a lot to me. and well, i don't wanna be home alone for about 1 month plus rotting at home while my family is on an awesome trip to UK. i hope my parents would understand that.

Fucking Stuck In The Middle

it's like what the fuck la! i stuck in the middle of this whole mess! i swear i'm never gonna be the messenger again la, anything direct to that person straight. seriously, damn tired la! this one tell me one thing, then need to pass, then that one tell me one thing, then need to pass. then got problem, who kena? i kena pulak. it's like seriously! damn shit la! and seriously! i dont even wanna fucking study for the exam! no time la! 

What Do I Even Care

honestly, i'm so tired of all this sudden "bad news", you can call it bad news i guess. sigh.
so much been happening these few days, i was kinda looking forward to this weekend like you know, got something interesting to do, but no~ it cancelled on me and now i'm so have nothing to do for the weekend. and i'm suppose to have class, but i just feel so mood-less to give a fucking damn about it. some friends asked me to go out as well on saturday, i just no longer feel like it. i just wanna stay home this weekend or maybe forever.

i feel like blasting everything out at someone? some thing? but i guess i'm doing it here. so here goes..
i have no idea why someone would wanna change course after 1 whole freaking year of studying the current course they taking, if the course is like 3 years then you change i still can understand but NO~~ the course is only one year plus, so means theres only a few more months to go till you actually sit for the external UK exam and get your diploma. if you pass your accounting and 2 other subject, then you will get a diploma in accounting but if you dont actually pass your accounting since okay fine, we know you're not good at it, you can still take another subject pass it and get a diploma in business studies. i was like.. what the fuck are you thinking in your messed up twisted mind, manipulated by your parents. the external paper is in june, and your intake for your new college is in may. just one month difference wei, yeah! you heard me right, just one fucking month! did i mention that this friend of mine paid about RM700 for the external exam? and you know what he said when i asked him about it, he just say 'i guess it's my loss then' i was like.. are you fucking kidding me? like seriously are you fucking me?! it's my loss then? thats the best you can come up with? and now, you wanna take the internal finals but you dont wanna come for class until then. he stopped coming to class already since he decided to 'change course'. do you think the finals is like a piece of cake? you barely made it thought mid terms and such, and now you dont wanna come to class. i tried to talk to you, you dont wanna listen, fine! dont coming to me saying i'm scared of the exam and all.

i feel really mood-less now.. and i feel like really just hiding at home. i think i would start to cut down on my "extracurricular activity" and focus on my studies. and i think it's a pattern for me, to just stay home and not go out. it's a phase that keeps repeating and repeating itself. so dear friends, understand if i reject going out. thats all i can say for now.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

like fucking seriously?! okay fine, you wanna borrow my notes? okay fine, take it. but you take my whole fucking stack of notes which i filed up and you photostat it!? like from the cover page that I MADE! till the last fucking irrelevant page? are you kidding me? now the whole class knows i file my stuff, and they wanna borrow it. and you know what they do with it? THEY PHOTOSTAT IT AGAIN!! okay, we kinda have different books, so i file my notes and exercises up according to the book, you took 2 of it the last time. AND NOW, YOU WANT ANOTHER FUCKING 3 OF THEM?! are you fucking me? like seriously bitch.. you just text me and expect me to hand them over just like that?! dream on~! it's not that i'm selfish and dont wanna help you. work for it! dont expect me to just spoon feed you again! you start skipping class, you like you come, you dont like you dont come and end of the day you fucking photostat my notes? NO WAY BITCH! at least you copy it i wont be so pissed! you ask me how to do it or something.. i'll be more than glad to teach you.. once is fine, but now the second time?! whatever you're asking for is like HALF A YEAR's WORK!? MY HARDWORK BITCH!

i'm taking LCCI and for the exams they give prizes to those that do really well. like for each subject there are prizes for the country and the world. and one of my seniors took WORLD GOLD for 2 subject and WORLD SILVER for one.. she literally dominated 3 prizes out of 10, i guess. Around the whole world, theres like 500,000 candidates taking the exam. so it became a hit topic around college. and today~ you know what the fuck happened? my principal and teacher came to my class, and the teacher was pointing me out to the principal. i'm sure they're talking about "potential students". you much be thinking, don't be so er.. perasan? casey, it might not be you, it might be the person behind you. oh believe me, i thought about that too.. i looked back.. but no~ that teacher opened the door, fucking shout my name out loud and ask me to raise my hand.. so do you think it's just me? oh, you think they would be talking about something else huh? i thought so too until they opened the door and i could hear what they talking about.. (the teachers office if right outside my room). do you know how pressuring it is when people expect you to the best of the best and have this aim for you while you dont even think you can do it. okay maybe a little.. not world maybe country.. but still! i sat there thinking what should i do to make it happen. like what? er, stop st. john and focus on my studies? stop going out so much? like study! study! study! i'm still considering it.. honestly.. if i want to be THE BEST of the best, i really need to set my priorities straight. i'm not talking about getting straight A's in spm, pmr.. it's not like that.. it's like aiming to get THE TOP FUCKING STUDENT IN MALAYSIA! but in this case, the aim is to be ONE OF THE TOP STUDENTS IN THE WORLD! it's like competiting against Hong Kong, UK er.. Singapore i guess.. cant think of much.. if you wanna know, google LCCI. honestly, do you think it's easy? you need to have a perfect score, i mean 100 out of 100 to be WORLD GOLD, and around 99 to be WORLD SILVER. oh, and that was my story of 'expectation part 1' and now here is 'expectation part 2'. i was having extra class today, and we were in 2 classes conducted together. and my principal was still talking about this topic, he said he have expectations for 2 students, one is the other room one is my room, both guys. and do you know how many guys were there in my room? er.. i would say, less than 10, and honestly, i have a feeling it's me.

i know what i've blog in this post like really outrageous, like stop being a self centered bitch casey.. i don't really care what you think, okay? i'm fucking pissed now, it's my blog, i can fucking write whatever i want on it. read it if you want to, dont read it if you dont want to. read my typing.. I-DONT-FUCKING-CARE!

Valentine's Day / Single Awareness Day

the 14th day of the 2nd month of the year or 45th day of the year. well, certain people would be really happy, and certain people would be really sad, depends how you see it. i'm categorized into the sad crowd, i wouldn't say i was sad today cause i was totally fine the whole day until now.. it's like the whole forest is there, all kinds of trees, you have tall ones, short ones, thick ones, thin ones but just unreachable. i wonder when will i find the right tree move out of the forest and live happily ever after. it's so easy to just type it out, but it's not something that would just happen like that. to reach that 'stage' theres so many other stages that i need to go through before reaching the final stage. life is like playing Mario, you need to jump on monsters, jump over empty gaps and obstacles to finally reach an ending leading to the next stage. so now, valentine's day vs. single awareness day.. i go for single awareness day but hoping the day will come when i will 'celebrate' the other. sigh, okay so actually i have a valentine, but my valentine totally ditched me to go for single awareness day. totally broke my heart. i would say i had fun talking to valentine but i kinda hope valentine would return my 'wishes' more.. aiks, i hope valentine doesn't see this.. let it be my dirty little secret..

Am I A Good Friend?

There's been a lot going on around me recently, and it got me thinking.. am i a good friend?
I've been born into this world around 18 ish 19 years ago, i wouldn't say i was someone else's friend for that long, because truly i'm not. i don't remember a single thing when i was a baby or kindergarten or so, but i would start counting maybe from primary school, that gives me around 13 years of being someone else's friend. all these years, i dont think i've ever ask myself am i a good friend? well, honestly.. i dunno how to answer that. theres obviously things that i've done wrong as someone else's friend, but there are things that i've done right also, at least i think so. no one is perfect, i'm not, you're not, he's not, she's not and the naming goes on and on. no one is. why have friends at all? friends will forgive and forget each others lacking, that's why we have friends so when i'm not capable of doing something i have my friends to count on, have them to be there for me when i need them the most.

something kinda happened when i was blogging, so all my emo-ness turned into rage.. and i dunno how to continue blogging about this. *after 5 minutes* okay, rage period over.. back to being normal.

so as i was saying.. i really dunno if what i've been doing for the past week is right or wrong, but i'm glad that i was there to be a friend. you know, i care so much i just don't wanna see anyone get hurt. and sometimes i do say the darnest things when i'm in rage, but it's just a passing phase. as to the question.. i hope you'll tell me the answer to that question.

With Love,
Casey :)

Why Must I Be Such A Good Son?

Honestly, why the hell must i be such a considerate son for my parents?! like seriously, why cant i be one of those inconsiderate pampered spoiled brads that will bug my parents to buy me an expensive piece of technology or something, not caring if they have the money or not, just bug and bug and bug. but no~ even knowing that they would buy it for me if i were to ask, i just cant make myself do that to them. i did try to do it, but end up i'll feel guilty. they would be like, you really want it is it? really want it is it? i'll be like, no it's okay.. i just really hope my parents would know what the hell i'm thinking, it would totally save me so much dilemma. i hope they would read this, but that is like highly impossible. sigh, destined that my parents would never get what i'm thinking in my head. sometimes, even when i say no, it doesn't mean i don't want it!

Heartache

i don't like going through this all over again. i dunno what is wrong with me, i told myself i'm over him but every time his photo pop's up. i'll be questioning myself, what if i made a different choice 1 year back. what if i didn't say anything to him. what if this~ what if that~ this is so painful.. he's just so hard for me to resist. i feel like i'm gonna fall apart anytime.. :'(

Fell From The Sky

i was blogging half way yesterday night, late night, but something came up.. so here i am continue to write my blog from yesterday night. actually, i just wrote like one line yesterday..

i was sitting in front my computer for awhile thinking about what tittle should i put for this post. i don't really know what i wanna blog about, and i just continue blogging, the tittle came to me naturally. it's chinese new year, and honestly, a lot have been going on these few days. and i've been out almost every night, which i don't mind la. and today like, i feel like i'm dying at home, i've been home the whole day rotting, like literally rotting.. it would have been fun to have your friends around to layan you, but well.. it didn't really happen i guess. casey kinda feels a bit mood-less now, he just don't really wanna talk, don't really wanna do anything, feel like escaping the world, feel like literally dying. theres so many things that i wanna talk about, but just didn't have the chance today, and now i just really don't feel like it. like all the joy and excitement got sucked out of me. this reminds me of monster inc. oh well, i guess thats it. i kinda feel like continue to stay home the next 2 days and just rot and escape the world. we'll see how it goes..

Chinese New Year 2011

it's one week plus until chinese new year, i should be damn excited for it but it's quite the opposite. i don't really want cny to come, cause i feel so not prepared for it. it's totally breaking my past cny traditions, like i haven gone shopping yet, i'm not going back to my kampung at sitiawan. BUT i don't really care, i actually don't really wanna go buy new clothes now, cause i feel like i'm forced to do it just because it's chinese new year. but some part of me wanted to go back to kampung, and the other part wanna stay. it depends which angle are your looking at this situation from, financially wise, it's definitely better to go back to kampung cause got more angpau! but study wise, it's better to stay here to do my 'holiday homework' and kinda study for my exam when my school re-opens cause i know i wont be studying when i go back to kampung. most probably will be playing cards with my cousins. so pro and cons, it's a tough choice, but in the end i'm staying here at KL for cny. i hope it's gonna be an exciting one.. 

Will

*dap dap the mic* testing testing.. *cough* thank you for staying tuned, we're now back with more life stories to come! enjoy.

the word 'will'. okay, not 'will' a person's name or that you 'will' do something or the 'will' that you inherit something after people like pass away or something *touch wood*

that day while messaging with a friend of mine, she had exams coming up and all.. and i told her 'where there's a will, there's a way' (something like that, i'm making it sounds better here :P ). i realised that everything in life comes back to this one word - will. i believe that there's nothing that we cant do, but it's just if we're willing to do it or not. i've been experiencing this throughout my years of studying, especially during pmr and spm. when i was in lower secondary, i never really did well for my geography or k.h. but before pmr, i can tell you that i really studies my ass off.. the geography text book for all 3 years, i read it like from start to end. and i did quite well for pmr. and spm also, i can honestly tell you that i sucked in my history, during form 5 i'm always on the verge of failing, but end up before spm, i studies quite some time with friends, and i got an A- for spm.

BUT it's not always that way, i have targets in a lot of other stuff, but my will isn't strong enough to complete them or succeed it them. like you tell yourself that exam is coming, you wanna study but end up you get distracted by the computer, i'm sure most of you do that too. if you think back, having a strong will in life can seriously make you accomplish so many things, so the bottom line : where there's a will, there's a way.

 p/s : i should start listening to my own advices..

stay tuned for the next one.. *turns off the mic*