A Saturday Morning

okay, so today was HAS at sri permata. you know, the usuals la, woke up later than expected, not enough sleep, didn't eat breakfast, not enough time to prepare, man kit came to pick me up on time etc.. :P anyways, i think everything went quite well today but theres sure to be some glitches here and there la, but no harm done (i guess?). haha!

then this year, we had HAS in the hall, so we get to sit down and actually listen to the speeches. surprisingly, i think we heard a quite well spoken speech today.. :P give us more semangat! then gave out awards, incentives, and letters kot. so wink wink on the incentive! dah plan what to spend the money on already, but seriously like use st. john money to buy stuff to wear to st. john? like it's a cycle, but i guess better than nothing la, at least I'm getting new shoes :)

then after that, took some photos and had jamuan. oh, i had a little 'incident' with a cup of syrup and my face, and i guess the table also kot. that's incident no. 1.. then incident no.2 and incident no. 3 happened later on at night, before i was typing this. same incident, happened 3 times. just different type of drink. not my day huh?

then after that, a few of us marched around the tapak perhimpunan, i seriously can't believe i did that, cause seriously! I'm not a fan of marching. but i can say~ it was fun. so later, we had meeting with the new exco. nothing much to say about that. oh oh, we wrote our hopes and dream thingie again, it worked for me when i did that the last time. so yea, I'll be reading my note again in 1 year, I'm pretty sure I'll forget the content, so I'm gonna surprise myself next year. how fun is that?!

after the meeting, we marched around tapak perhimpunan again, seriously! it was fun! like i actually enjoyed it! and i learn to do a new trick too! :P need to practice more on that though. practice makes perfect!

overall, i didn't want today to be over la, it was fun for me. and other part i guess because i don't want Monday to come. and also, I'm afraid of October actually, certain 'event' is gonna take place in Oct, and it still scares me. seriously! i thought the previous one was bad, this one feels worst. lagi la, after knowing whats gonna happen there. but deep down inside, okay not that deep la, i wanna achieve it. we'll see la! wish me luck :) *wink wink*

bursting anger

like damn shit la, dunno how to reply people's sms is it? dah la so many phone, dah la phone yang canggih, is it that hard to start pressing on button to reply someone's messages? seriously? not the 1st time somemore, dah la berape kali, i seriously dunno how many times i got angry over this already. i dont wanna be too specific la, if not will be damn obvious who i'm talking about. i give up, seriously, i shouldnt even sms that person la. why do i border again? OH RIGHT! suppose to be my kawan la kot? damn bitch la!

i miss me

lately, i feel like my old self is coming back, the one that likes to go out, get out of the house, which is kinda good i guess, at least i dont hide myself at home all the time, but besides the good part, the bad part is back too. the old casey that gets angry and annoyed really easily, i dunno, i really cannot take it, for a period of time, i can say i was really calm, dont get angry easily but that part is slowly fading.. it's like choosing between angry and outgoing or calm and er, the opposite of outgoing? i really wanna be calm and outgoing i guess but unfortunately, i dont feel it in me.

why not just have a program in us to and just click on the screen, choose 'calm' and 'outgoing' and click apply? well, i dont think life is gonna be that easy. and seriously, emotions are such a screw up! i think i have a very low EQ, i cant really control my emotions that well. oh and actually, i feel like the emo part is kinda slipping back in a little. the more i think about it while i'm typing this, the more i feel miserable about myself, my life.

oh, few days back i went back to my hometown. it wasnt the trip i imagined it to be. and seriously, i dont think i've ever been bitten by so many mosquitoes before, i have marks all over my leg and my hand, and it's itchy! but still, i'm glad to see certain people at my hometown.. i feel kinda happy la, dah lama tak jumpa kot. that person was really nice to me last time, jaga me a lot.

teenage dream is playing on the radio. i still feel like there are things that i wanna do, and i really wanna do it! i think i can write a whole list out, but i dont think i can motivate myself to do it, unless someone actually pushes me to do it! tada! and this where someone should come in and help me accomplish it.

feel like i'm just randomly blogging stuff.. but it's good to say it out i guess. oh, i'm having my 1st term test next monday, and seriously, i should give a damn about it, but the problem is i dont.. i'm not studying.. i'm not even afraid!? not good, where did casey go? who the hell am i now? i have no idea.

oh and actually, a while back, i guess a few weeks back la, i've been thinking about leaving this 'activity' of mine, i actually dont see the purpose for me to be there anymore, i've always feel like i have nothing that i'm good at or worthy of being there, like i dont deserve it. it's like i'm on this thin line between failure and something, i cant think of the good side. maybe there isnt one? but now like, there are 2 things that will keep me motivated to keep going on, but i have no idea when i'll run out of fuel to keep pushing me on. we'll see la, i myself dont think i'll be there for that long as well.

i guess thats enough random facts and expression for tonight, maybe will continue another night.

oh wait, another random fact! i dont like to feel like i'm the last to know stuff, and i dont like to be excluded and i dont like to be lied to. i guess thats it.. over and out..

Lifeless

well, i think i'm actually quite lifeless lately but in a way i think i'm okay with it.I've been really relaxing a lot, and my exams are coming but i haven even study! totally guilty but seriously feel so lazy, i dont even feel like doing my assignment. it's been lying there on my table since yesterday. everyone else seems to be rushing to finish it, but i macam totally moodless.. oh well.. will have to make myself finish it during the weekend.

anyway moving on, actually i can say that i haven been feeling my anger for awhile, maybe a few weeks or month, but recently i get the anger rush in me again. like all the time, i'll just get angry over stupid little things, and will totally show it on my face. like seriously, there are things that doesnt concern me but i still get angry over it. maybe the heat is getting to me?

okay and so, i have this friend of me, he is thinking of changing course. i've been trying to persuade him not to la, in a way.. i've been telling him to think properly, cause seriously if he change course he would waste half a year for nothing. and my course technically end during next years june or so. it's not that long, just about one more year! if he just study a bit harder, work a bit harder, he could get a diploma already! i just feel so wasted. and i got so annoyed talking to him just now. yea, this is where the anger rush kicks in. well, i give up on him already. seriously, can someone tell me why do i border? no one? oh well..

A wednesday evening

went to visit sya just now, she's leaving tonight. to be more specific, it's more like tomorrow morning. but anyway, I'll miss her.. I've learned a thing or two from her that is quite true la. i cant wait till she comes back again next year! you hear that sya?! oh well..

and i kinda feel bad for missing my aunt's birthday dinner i guess. it's a dinner to celebrate her birthday? oh well, i shall just call it ' birthday dinner'. she's been very supportive of me, in a way.. lets just say theres always next year.

there are things that i wanna say but i dunno if should say it here. sometimes what i say might not be appropriate but this is like a medium for me to express all my thought, feelings and emotions but even so, i still hold back because i know if i went all out, people will surely get hurt or i might make things complicated. i think everyone that owns a blog would feel that way, unless well~ they don't give a damn what other people think or who they hurt la, that's totally a different heartless story. when i used to blog last time, as in last last time.. i would be careful of what i say but now.. I'm just lazy to alter my sentence so many times to make it sound more appropriate.

okay coming back to today, a Wednesday evening. i think i unconsciously became more quiet, and sometimes more obedient. the obedient part varies according to the person. is that one of the reason i'm talking less, or maybe it's really just because i don't really care? that doesn't sound nice, let me rephrase 'maybe it's really just because i'm tired of trying?' but i can honestly say, i'm withdrawing myself, i'm trying to push myself away, make it simple, i'm avoiding. i feel less pain, even when i go through the whole 'i dunno about this, i didn't knew about that, oh really that happened?' feeling. i can tell myself because i'm not there to know, as in i see it from a outsiders point of view, i can forgive myself for that. but when you're in the circle and you just don't know about anything, it's hurts more, much more. and i feel like i've been getting little hints about whats going on with me, if you wanna ask me just ask already, i'm not saying this in a mad way. i feel sorry though about every thing that i've done or caused any unhappiness, i didn't exactly mean it, if you know me well enough, you'll know my temper.