Slacking

i dont think i can afford to slack anymore, but i know i still would. i'm scared! i'm really really scared! i feel like i'm still not at 'that' level yet. people around me is already chasing up to me, and i feel like i'm still standing still. honestly, i've never had people having high expectations of me, it's always me having high expectations for myself. and this time, people's expectation are higher than mine, and it's really stressful to keep up to people expectations. i know i've blog about this before, but it's just that, yea.. i feel the same. but this week been good, i've been kinda pushing myself to do work, normally i slack on monday and tuesday afternoon, but these two days at least i manage to complete my work. i wanna be faster than other people, it's more like i need to be faster and better than other people. i have no idea how i manage to get high marks during exams, because in daily school work, there are people can out run me. and this march exam, it's gonna be a competition, i know other subjects i might not be that good, maybe just an average score. but i need to be good in accounts, as in, i need to be hell good to set that bar high. this may sounds damn cocky, and i wouldnt say i'm THAT cocky, like 'screw him asshole' kind of cocky type of person, but i'm not gonna deny that theres a cocky bitch living in me. everyone is cocky at things that they're good at, or they just act all modest and sincere but actually they feel like 'you better watch out! yo mamma is gonna be so sorry for having you born, bitch!' i'm just saying.. i'm more of option 2 too.

i feel like maybe god is playing me, not that i'm that religious, but things have a way of working out for me. things that i really want, i normally dont get it, but when i feel like it's really hard for me to get it already, i would end up getting it. i'm not talking about materialities, not gadgets or computers or physical stuff. i'm talking about scores, marks, passing stuff, things that i cant predict. i need to be sincere enough, to actually get it. that's more or less what i concluded about my fate.