Realise

i did a lot of thinking yesterday night, i realised a lot of stuff too. whether i'm conscious of it or not, there seem to be a reason for my actions. why did i do this, why did i do that, it's really sounds like i'm just making myself look better in a way? it's up to you to believe or not. oh well..

and today, i had extra class which we had to do 6 questions, but seriously i wasn't up for it at all, i gave up halfway doing it. in a way, yes. i should be totally enthusiastic and hyped up with the challenge, but i wasn't. i'm just living and waiting for the days to pass and for me to get my life settled and really figure out what i wanna do with my life. i didnt really think much about it today, at least i wasnt smashing myself up like the past 2 days? it's a good thing i guess, in a way. i think about them all the time too i guess, and i really wanna go out with them but i just couldnt. it's like overcoming an invisible barrier, it's there but only i can see it. and i really feel like having someone around that i could rely on, someone special.. but it's not that easy i guess. i feel like while someone is reading this, they're mocking me at the same time. i should really focus 100% on my upcoming 1st term exam. deep inside, i know i can really focus 100% on exams and studies if i really wanted to but if i really do that. what would my life turn out to be?

i'm just crapping, i'm just typing and typing while falling asleep actually, i dont really know what am i typing either.

What I'm Going Through

i dunno what happened to me, am i the one that changed or is it that circumstances have changed. all this years, i've been dependent on my friends, and i think i've seriously said this so many times but yea, it's because all these years i've never had parents that i can go to and say : mom/dad, i need to talk to you, and stuff like that. i've told myself and people that i'm totally okay without my parents, but who would be? you tell me if you're gonna be totally fine if you're parents divorced, and they moved out and rarely see them when you're still a kid without an explanation. i've never knew what happened. it's like a sudden storm and thats it, everything was swept away just like that, my life, my family gone. i've never had siblings around my age that i can play with or talk to much, it's really lonely you know, i've always imagined what would it be like if i had a siblings that is around my age and i can talk to often or had parents by my side when i need them. it really slap me in the face recently that how insecure i am with friends and things.

for these past few days or week, i've been going through the same thing over and over and over again. if you're wondering what is it? i can tell you. it's a BIG SLAP IN THE FACE! again and again. sometimes i talk and try to start a conversation or say something, but seriously it's like i'm talking crap and no one gives a damn about what i say, most of the time seems like no one is listening at all. you might feel it's annoying but you have no idea what it feels like for me. and the reason i keep quiet? well, thats just because i'm tired of trying. what is the point of trying when no one freaking gives a damn? it's demotivating. and every time when wanna go out or something, i would feel really excited, and in normal days la, i would feel like wanna go out with them but every time when it actually happens, every time i step foot into the car, i would regret it, i feel like just walking off and go home. at least at home, i can choose not to put myself through all this crap, i can watch a movie or series or something. it sounds like i'm so lifeless, but seriously? do i have a choice? it's like the only place i can feel safe is being home. you think i really wanna just give the face and say nothing? you have no idea what if feels for me, you have no idea what i'm going though. you never understood what i've been through or how i've felt. and all this while i felt like i'm the extra person, i've always been fighting to fit in. and yet you never knew.

more or less this is what i've been feeling and going through, and i was feeling really really emo and upset when i wrote this.. i hope you'll understand

Insecure?

okay, i've just finished reading this book called 'the red pyramid' by rick riordan, and it is freaking awesome! like seriously! it feels like percy jackson abit la, cause of the gods and all.. but this book is awesome in it's own way! you so need to read it! :P the ending makes you wanna know whats coming up next! (like a normal exciting book would!) oh well..

so anyway, i've told some friends before that i dont really feel like going out much, like i really feel like staying home all the time and i mean seriously staying home all the time but there are exceptions though, this been going on for a while, i rather hang out at someones house or maybe somewhere near cause i dont have the desire to go out to shopping malls etc. today i'm suppose to go out with an 'old' friend for movie, we haven seen each other in a while but i just couldnt get myself to go, i can't really get myself to make the decision, i'll hesitate should i go or i should i stay, one second i've made the decision to go, the other i'll be regreting and would change my mind. i know i've let some of my friends down, and they don't really say much about it cause well, what are friends for~ :P i do hope they would understand. i've been thinking about a reason as in why i would feel that way, i've 'kinda' concluded that i feel insecure. and the problem is, there are certain group of friends that i have no problem going out with, as in i would say yes and go in a snap. this sucks doenst it? i need some motivation to push me. maybe in my subconscious i feel more secure and safe around certain people? i really dunno. and did i mention that i dont like places with lots of people? thats why i would NEVER go to shopping malls alone. i guess more or less that it.

Tell Me Why?

Tell me why you're so hard to forget.
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth.
I'm just a little too not over you.

i tried and i thought i was over it, or maybe i am over it, but i just couldnt tell, i would say i'm over it and i don't feel anything but everytime we meet, everytime there's any improvement between us. i just can't help myself to think that things would go back to the way they were and everything would turn out all right. the situation now is really awkward, i really wanna just talk about it to make things better, but i'm afraid if i were to say anything i would make things worse, like back to the past which isnt pretty. we both say we're okay with it, but when we meet, it just isnt like how it's suppose to be, we still dont really talk. maybe i'm asking too much after what i did, but i dunno what it is that i want or how i feel, i also dunno what i need to do.. i just feel really really lost about this situation. i feel this way when i see anything related to that person, name, or anything that reminds me. why can't we just have a relation on off switch.

Lunch

today i went out for lunch with my dad, he made me drove his MANUAL car, i dont think it was that bad. anyway, we talked about stuff la, then he started saying that friends now wouldnt last forever and everything. what he said kinda hit me, i've actually thought about it in the past, someday we will all go our separete ways and might never be the friends we used to be or the friends we are now. example, in primary we used to be really really close friends, and we hang out all the time, and we do a lot of stuff together, but now we all went our separete ways and we've never really contacted each other ever since. it's scary to think that, someday we all might just stop talking to each other and move on with our life like nothing happened. we always make new friends, and sometimes new friends will replace our old friends and grew further and futher from each other. oh well, i guess if it's bound to happen it will happen someday in the future. i guess we should really just enjoy the present moments in life.

Happy Day

hmmm, so today was a totally tiring day. i woke up at 6am++ to get ready to go to jogathon at smk sri permata and so man kit picked me up at 7am, thanks man kit! i know you're gonna be reading this somehow~ reach sri permata and the usual la, wait for jogathon to start and duty and stuff like that, lazy to talk about that so moving on, duty was 'interesting' seeing there are 'interesting' peoples! that is like totally and super duper 'interesting'.. then after jogathon, we walked around school to see what kind of food are there. i didnt really spend money and buy food like i expect i would. so after awhile, we left to go watch movie at Tropicana City Mall.

so we went to get movie tickets for Inception, after that we went for lunch at Nando's which i guess all of us ordered the usual stuff, after that we went to Borders, man kit wanted to buy a blue pen but end up, jeng jeng jeng! they bought me a book for my birthday! thanks teri, man kit and haris for the book! i'm gonna think of you guys when i read it and in the future when i look back at the book, i'll be like awww... hahah! anyway, after that we walked around Tropicana City Mall, went to Starbucks, and after that continue walking and noticed that time is almost ticking out, so we walked to the cinema to watch the movie that we looked forward to watching for some time, INCEPTION. the movie was awesome! it's like so cool, you feel like you're in the dreams along with them and it's just so freaking exciting! after the movie, i was like oh awww... back to reality. after the movie, we went to Toys 'R' Us, and we just walked around and look at toys and all, until we started laughing like mad in the shop due to certain thoughts. hahaha! we bought the bubble soap thingie, that we used to play when we're young, after that we went to sasa's house to BLOW bubbles, and after that we went home and here i am blogging about it. :)

Headach

omg, my head is killing me after today's extra class, but i feel so totally proud of myself, i finished 4 account question in 1 and a half hours, thats actually quite fast. XD
anyway, i'm gonna update a little on my life, so today is thursday and i'm having a minor headach and i havent been getting enough sleep lately (keep falling asleep in class). then yesterday i went to bank with haris and teri to bank in some money, it was quite fun :P then went to mcD, sasa and dana came to join us too but unfortunately dana had to leave, so after that we left and send sasa home, then we talked in the car, the conversations were er.. lets just use the word 'overated' then we get to have a go at someone's yellow manual car.. hahaha!

class is getting slightly boring at times, but well at least i've lived through thursday's long extra class, extra class wasnt that bad la, it was quite funny. oh, and well, i didnt really do much on my birthday, but it was quite okay la, at least i had some friends over and we ate pizza and cake. it could have been more exciting.. and i've found myself as someone would say 'fallen to the dark side' as i've kinda got addicted to one of facebook's game, i'm not the type that play fb games alot but i've started on one, and it's actually quite interesting and fun.

i guess that more or less it, i kinda look forward to saturday, it should be fun i guess and will get to eat a lot of food :)