Struggling with Insecurities

This is not the first time that I talked about insecurities on my blog. I've always struggled with insecurity my whole life, the feeling that I don't belong, the feeling that I'm secondary, the feeling that I'm disposal and unimportant. There's always been ups and downs, for the most part, I've been feeling alright for the past few years, it's been a while since I've felt so insecure with myself, I've been doubting myself a lot lately, constantly questioning my self-worth. I've spoken to people about it to the point where I feel like I'm just a burden to the people around me, I know that there are always people around me that will care, but I'm just at the stage where I'm feeling awfully helpless and tired of talking about my own feelings. Again, I'm drowning in my own sorrow, a feeling that I'm way too familiar with, it's that old friend that I haven't had around for years. I'm aware that my own sanity and security shouldn't fall to other people's hand, it shouldn't be other people's responsibility to lift me up in life and it's not their responsibility to provide me with the security and safety in life. However, in actual fact, it's just hard to do that by myself when I'm feeling so emotionally compromised. I'm just caught between doing the right thing and my feeling at the moment.

I honestly don't know how long is this cycle gonna last. I know that eventually, I'll be alright, but at what cost? that's the question. How many people truly understand and accept what I'm feeling emotionally now, would people just think that I'm overthinking and shoot me down for it? that's something that I worry about, I'm asking myself "maybe I'm just making this too big of a deal than it really is? maybe I should just swallow it all down and maybe it'll be alright?" For the moment, I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I'm okay even though I know that I'm not. I'm keeping people at arm's length, I just don't know how to face people at the moment, I don't want people to feel like "oh there he goes again" I would probably feel that way about myself. This is also probably one of my own defence mechanism, where it's easier to just push people away, and when they eventually leave, I'll at least braced for it. I'll be able to convince myself that I knew this day is gonna come and it might hurt less when that day comes.

Writing this is probably a cry for help, hoping that someone would be willing to tell me that it's gonna be okay and that they would stick around even when I don't believe that. But unfortunately, I don't think anyone is gonna see this, I'll just end up wallowing in my own sorrow.

7 Years Later

It's been 7 years since I last wrote on this blog, a lot has changed since. I've grown older, I'm in another relationship with someone else, I'm pursuing my studies in a degree program and I've made career changes. These are all things beyond my expectations, things that I didn't think were possible 7 years ago. Reading back at the old post I've made in this blog, I was such a different person then, I was childish, emotional and depressed, things that mattered so much then didn't seem to matter at all now. I wished I was there to tell my younger self that, that everything is gonna be okay, that one day you'll be fine, you'll actually be fine in life. 

I wouldn't say that I'm optimistic now but I try to stay hopeful, the emotions are still there, still emotional but more contained than I used to be. Looking back, I can see that I've been very depressed in my teenage years, I shut the world out of my life most of the time. I didn't believe that I have people around me that cared about me, I cling onto things for the sake of security. And I know I've come a long way since. 

I found the courage to move on from my previous relationship, to pick myself up from that. I found the courage to pursue my studies, something that I avoided for so long. A topic that wouldn't even discuss without shutting myself down, without doubting my self-worth. I'm glad that I found the courage over the years to do all these. The old me wouldn't have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm also blessed and privileged to be a wonderful support system around me. Through tough times, I come to realise that there are people around me that genuinely cared for my wellbeing. This is also something that struggled with since my teenage years, I've always felt so helpless, never believing that anyone cared. 

So now, at the age of 28, I can say that I'm doing okay, my views on life aren't as grey as it used to be. Even when I doubt myself, deep down I know that I'm capable of getting through it, no matter how painful it is. I just need to start believing in myself more, that I'm worth something.