Can I Let Myself Crumble?

For the past week or so, I've been feeling quite lost with my life, I just dunno what I want anymore. I just really don't, i have no sense of direction, i used to be so sure that i enjoy doing accounts, i'm gonna be a successful accountant someday but that's no longer the fact. I have no sense of accomplishment at work, i don't feel happy at all. Its like i'm just passing my days as it goes, i feel like my life is just slipping pass me with no purpose. My time with alex makes me forget that i have to deal with all these, when i was in Penang with alex i'm truly happy because i just dont need to think about work and studies and enjoy the weekend with him, i wanna stay in that moment, but unfortunately i cant. I feel so tired of holding myself together, i wanna just crumble, and let everything out. I feel like no one understands me, i feel like alex doesnt understand where i'm coming from, he wants the best for me, i know he is right in so many ways but i feel like thats not what i want. For many years i strongly believe that we should never let our parents decide what we should do for our future, what we should study or what we shouldn't, it's gonna be my life and not theirs. I wanna do something that i'm happy with and not something that i'm gonna look back 20 years from now and regret my decision. i really know that this job i have is not something that i'm gonna do for a living, i hate doing what i do everyday. I wanna do something that i'm passionate about, i wanna do something that i enjoy doing and look forward to doing everyday. Alex asked me what would that be? i couldnt answer that cause i really have no idea. I need some directions, or perhaps i should say i need someone to tell me something that i wanna hear.. I have all these thoughts going through my head that i wanna let it all out, but i dunno how, i want someone to talk to, but i dunno who..

After so long

I haven't written on my blog for so long, but here I am blogging once again. So here goes.. I guess I need to find something to do with my spare time, I need to stop wasting time in front of the computer, I've been spending my weekdays after work, just sitting in front of the computer, waiting for time to pass.. I really feel so useless doing that. I feel like I need a holiday, just to start over in life, my career is not going anywhere, my studies is not going anywhere. I don't even know what to blog about now, there's so much to say but it's so hard to say it all out. Behind every word, there's always consequences. I hope to spend more time with Alex, but I don't wanna push him, sometimes weekdays without him is just so hard to get by. He says I'll be fine, but sometimes it's just so hard. Last week I was out with the gang for 2 nights, it was fun, feel like we haven't been doing that for awhile.. Sigh. I feel so lost in life, so aimless but there are few things that I'm certain about, I need to keep studying, I know Alex means alot to me in my life, I know my friends means alot to me in my life as well. There are people that you know you would wanna have around in your life forever, I know who they are, but the problem is, will that always be the same? or will we be going our separate ways one days, and all we've been through together just being part of our memories? I don't wanna think about that, I just don't. And at work, I feel like I've been slacking alot, there are some things/work that I just don't wanna face, I feel so malas to layan. Life is full of problems, I just wish I could runaway from all of it. Perhaps I'm being naive, I hope my life would have a happy ending.

I know my blog might be all over the place, but I'm just saying what comes to my mind.