i came across this project online, it's called 'It Gets Better Project' this project came about cause of the recent suicide stories of LGBT kids due to being bullied and harassed, this project originated from U.S but it became a worldwide phenomenon in a few months.
I've been watching a lot of the videos posted on it's website today, and it really inspired me, it taught me a lot of things that i needed to know. honestly, i've always been bullied in my primary school on the way i act and such, and it really really annoys me, i felt really helpless. when i came to secondary school, i remember when i was in form 1, and i was still being bullied in class but as time passed, it got better. my secondary school life were much better than my primary school life cause there were no more bullies. i guess this is the exceptionally best part of being in SMK Sri Permata, i think the people there are much nicer and understanding. Imagine if i'd really transferred to another school, that shall stay unnamed. i think i would continue to have a freaking miserable life there, it's the culture there. i have a gay friend that studied in that school, but you know he doesn't exactly step out of the closet cause the culture and students there would destroy him. i'm not saying that i'm out of the closet too, but i'm halfway there i guess. and seriously, i feel really really happy that i have people in this school that understands, i don't really have a problem telling my school mates that i'm gay, they kinda just accept it. certainly, there are exceptional cases as well but i shall not go to that.
from 'it gets better project', i learned that it gets better. for now, i feel like lonely at times, when it comes to gay stuff, like you hope to have a mentor there to guide you through life, i got no one to go to. i mean, i know my friends are there, but they're not gay. okay, i still have fun talking about guys and all with them, but sometimes, you still cant help but feel like you're still alone. but whatever it is, as time past, i really believe it gets better, to have someone you love to be with you, to have a future. frankly speaking, i've thought of just ending my life before, just take a blade and slice my wrist, or just burn charcoal in my room, but what difference would that make, i know that by doing this, it would crush my parent's heart. and i do wanna tell my parents, and i know that they will accept it if they really loved me (i'm counting on that), but it still frightens me, from the videos i've watched, i learn that come out to them when you're really ready. and i know, i'm not ready to do that now.
and something i realised, what makes LGBT people different? seriously, did you ever thought about that. like what makes me different from all the millions and billions of people out there? the only difference would be the person i choose to sleep with in the future, i guess. other than that, i'm just as normal as you are, merely a human being that roams the face of planet earth. so don't bully people for they are LGBT, get to really know them. i feel guilty, in my class everyone thinks that 'this girl' is a lesbian, well, honestly i have no idea if she is or not, and they are isolating her, and i feel really really helpless that i cant do anything. honestly, i know i'm just lying to myself, i could if i wanted to, i did try to tell them that they're being mean, but other than that, i didn't do much. and seriously, like really! it's not wrong to be yourself! like me, i just really don't give a damn about what people think anymore, i'm not that primary school casey that is so afraid to be who he is, the new and improved casey is much better than that. so if you're an asshole, if you wanna continue to be an asshole, just stay away from me then. don't discriminate LGBT. if you gave me another choice to make between being straight and being gay, i would still choose to be gay, i mean thats who i really am, thats all the fun part in my life, although it's tough, but i'm not about to just give it up. and thats all i have to say for tonight.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Communication
communication is a basic need to living our life. you cant live your life alone, without communicating with other people. okay, unless you got stuck in some deserted island then i got nothing to say la. but other than that, don't tell me you don't even talk to a single soul in a day. that's why communication is really important, and one must also know how to communicate with other people as well. when 2 or more person stops to communicate, it causes a lot of problems, believe me... i know.
this whole week, i've learned a lot and realised a lot of stuff, and also reflected on a lot of my past actions and things that i've done wrong. it's not wrong, to be wrong. but it's wrong, when you know you're wrong and you don't wanna be right. haha! let me translate, it's okay to make mistakes. but when we make mistake, the important thing is to learn from it and correct our mistakes. i have no freaking idea how many freaking times i've said this, but i just need to emphasize again, we ourselves will never know when we're hurting someone unintentionally, it's up to people around you to tell you that you're wrong. and learn from it and try to make it right. i admit that i've done lots of things that i'm not proud of, but i believe from this lesson, i can change to be a better person. i'll seriously try, but habits doesn't just change in one night, it takes a long time to re-adjust our actions. and obviously, we'll slip out of it once in a while, tend to just forget about it. it's up to your friends to remind you about it. and so, i'm asking my dear friends to remind me of what is right and what is wrong when i happen to slip out of it. thank you.
and please la, don't be a punching bag, if you're not happy with it, just say it la. solve it on the spot, when you tend to drag it, the misunderstanding is getting bigger and bigger. and one day, you'll just burst. (quote someone : like a balloon) i know what it feels like, seriously i do. to have people you care for, treating you like crap. i've been through that, and might be still going through that sometimes, but once you talk it through it'll be fine. the thought of evaporating from this planet is there, sometimes i just wish i could like get in a rocket and blast myself to mars or something.
this few days, i had little 'talks' with people. you know, just to sort things out. after that, i feel really relieved, like all the burden been release from my shoulder. it's a really nice things, when you come to an understanding with someone. it's like, you just un-tie the balloon and let all the air out rather than taking a needle to burst it. and it's important to know that there are friends that you can trust and believe, and know that they are there for you all the time. i always had issue with friends, i hate being left out, i hate being ignored. you're right la, i tend to terasa a lot of things, but that because i care. you know what the ironic part of this statement is? i always end up falling in love with people that ends up ignoring me. and i go through the whole, my life is crappy and i feel like crap period. that why i just really hate being ignored.
i think it's really time to sort everything out la, be honest, i already did that with certain peoples. just blab everything you wanna say, but say it in a nice and understanding way la. oh btw, and i've also learned a lot from certain people la, they really gave me a wake up call, like a few slaps on the face or something. i really did realise a lot of things, and been doing a lot of thinking and talking, to sort out what right and wrong between us. and before i finish, i would like to say, if you have anything to say about me, things that i can improve, things that i've done wrong and pissed you off in the past, anything at all. please come talk to me about it. rare opportunity! this is like an open invitation to my funeral, asking people to come tell me whats wrong with me, really casey? really? but i guess i would wanna do this. so yea, please do so. oh, and i just wanna say i'm sorry if i've offended anyone in the past, some things i really dont mean it.
random fact : casey doesn't like awkward moments, he doesn't like being all weird with someone, like silent.
and so, i think that's it for tonight, i spend like quite some time typing this, which i think i should have used this time to study for my exam tomorrow. hah! if you're thinking, what is wrong with you, you should be studying rather than blogging? then i would say, i did study like for the past few hours. i just have some memorising to do.
yours truly,
Casey :)
this whole week, i've learned a lot and realised a lot of stuff, and also reflected on a lot of my past actions and things that i've done wrong. it's not wrong, to be wrong. but it's wrong, when you know you're wrong and you don't wanna be right. haha! let me translate, it's okay to make mistakes. but when we make mistake, the important thing is to learn from it and correct our mistakes. i have no freaking idea how many freaking times i've said this, but i just need to emphasize again, we ourselves will never know when we're hurting someone unintentionally, it's up to people around you to tell you that you're wrong. and learn from it and try to make it right. i admit that i've done lots of things that i'm not proud of, but i believe from this lesson, i can change to be a better person. i'll seriously try, but habits doesn't just change in one night, it takes a long time to re-adjust our actions. and obviously, we'll slip out of it once in a while, tend to just forget about it. it's up to your friends to remind you about it. and so, i'm asking my dear friends to remind me of what is right and what is wrong when i happen to slip out of it. thank you.
and please la, don't be a punching bag, if you're not happy with it, just say it la. solve it on the spot, when you tend to drag it, the misunderstanding is getting bigger and bigger. and one day, you'll just burst. (quote someone : like a balloon) i know what it feels like, seriously i do. to have people you care for, treating you like crap. i've been through that, and might be still going through that sometimes, but once you talk it through it'll be fine. the thought of evaporating from this planet is there, sometimes i just wish i could like get in a rocket and blast myself to mars or something.
this few days, i had little 'talks' with people. you know, just to sort things out. after that, i feel really relieved, like all the burden been release from my shoulder. it's a really nice things, when you come to an understanding with someone. it's like, you just un-tie the balloon and let all the air out rather than taking a needle to burst it. and it's important to know that there are friends that you can trust and believe, and know that they are there for you all the time. i always had issue with friends, i hate being left out, i hate being ignored. you're right la, i tend to terasa a lot of things, but that because i care. you know what the ironic part of this statement is? i always end up falling in love with people that ends up ignoring me. and i go through the whole, my life is crappy and i feel like crap period. that why i just really hate being ignored.
i think it's really time to sort everything out la, be honest, i already did that with certain peoples. just blab everything you wanna say, but say it in a nice and understanding way la. oh btw, and i've also learned a lot from certain people la, they really gave me a wake up call, like a few slaps on the face or something. i really did realise a lot of things, and been doing a lot of thinking and talking, to sort out what right and wrong between us. and before i finish, i would like to say, if you have anything to say about me, things that i can improve, things that i've done wrong and pissed you off in the past, anything at all. please come talk to me about it. rare opportunity! this is like an open invitation to my funeral, asking people to come tell me whats wrong with me, really casey? really? but i guess i would wanna do this. so yea, please do so. oh, and i just wanna say i'm sorry if i've offended anyone in the past, some things i really dont mean it.
random fact : casey doesn't like awkward moments, he doesn't like being all weird with someone, like silent.
and so, i think that's it for tonight, i spend like quite some time typing this, which i think i should have used this time to study for my exam tomorrow. hah! if you're thinking, what is wrong with you, you should be studying rather than blogging? then i would say, i did study like for the past few hours. i just have some memorising to do.
yours truly,
Casey :)
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Secrets
i believe everyone have their very own secrets. no matter big or small, everyone have certain things that they are not sharing with the world. why not just tell the world? i would, but is the world ready for it? are we ready to face the world? ask yourself this, what is the consequences if i told the world about my secret?
i have my very own secrets, i can assure you of that. some people knows, some people don't. it used to be really hard living behind a shadow, but once you take one step into the light, you would wanna take the last remaining step and just complete the walk, but it's not that easy. recently, one of my friends asked me, why not tell my family that i'm gay? (it took me awhile to type that word here) anyway, yea. why not? it would totally save me all the fake smiling and nodding huh. the truth is, i'm just not ready to face all the drama that could happen, i don't want anyone getting a heart attack. but i really want to, i just couldn't take the last step.. some of my beloved friends already know, and i don't act around them anymore, i just be who i wanna be, say things i wanna say. i don't need to find a reason to cover up my tracks. like go through the whole awkward silence, then come up with something really really stupid to cover up. haha! okay, i don't think i actually do that. okay, get over it, i know you'll be thinking 'are you sure~?'
i thought of moving this blog, actually i did, and moved it back. cause i have no idea who have access to this blog, and people that shouldn't see, might see this. but in the end, i just thought i would be making a really big deal out of this, if i actually moved my blog. so i'm just gonna let it slip. i wouldn't want people coming to me and shout 'OMG! like you're gay? get away from me!' the truth is, i don't give a damn but i wouldn't want that happening.. but if that happens, i think blogging about it. so stay tuned~ anyways, sometimes i just need a company, not so lonely and depressing.
okay, here goes nothing.. *clicks the publish post button*
i have my very own secrets, i can assure you of that. some people knows, some people don't. it used to be really hard living behind a shadow, but once you take one step into the light, you would wanna take the last remaining step and just complete the walk, but it's not that easy. recently, one of my friends asked me, why not tell my family that i'm gay? (it took me awhile to type that word here) anyway, yea. why not? it would totally save me all the fake smiling and nodding huh. the truth is, i'm just not ready to face all the drama that could happen, i don't want anyone getting a heart attack. but i really want to, i just couldn't take the last step.. some of my beloved friends already know, and i don't act around them anymore, i just be who i wanna be, say things i wanna say. i don't need to find a reason to cover up my tracks. like go through the whole awkward silence, then come up with something really really stupid to cover up. haha! okay, i don't think i actually do that. okay, get over it, i know you'll be thinking 'are you sure~?'
i thought of moving this blog, actually i did, and moved it back. cause i have no idea who have access to this blog, and people that shouldn't see, might see this. but in the end, i just thought i would be making a really big deal out of this, if i actually moved my blog. so i'm just gonna let it slip. i wouldn't want people coming to me and shout 'OMG! like you're gay? get away from me!' the truth is, i don't give a damn but i wouldn't want that happening.. but if that happens, i think blogging about it. so stay tuned~ anyways, sometimes i just need a company, not so lonely and depressing.
okay, here goes nothing.. *clicks the publish post button*
Monday, December 13, 2010
If I Had A Bad Day
today, i feel like i had this really really bad day. like yea. i went to class in the morning as usual. when i woke up i felt a bit dizzy like you know, haven fully recover from being sick. and so after ewing park his car, i walk to class la. i was like really really sleepy, i was just thinking of getting to class and lying down on my table. and so, while walking someone horn me! it was weng yee, she just reach, and when she pass me she horn me! she freaking horn me, i didn't look when she horn me i'm just too sleepy, i was cursing though. in my head, i went : 'which bloody bitch would freaking horn me'. then when she drive pass, i looked and she was waving, i didn't respond, i just kept on walking back class, thinking about my table. then when pei qing came in to class, she ask why i didn't respond, they thought i bad mood. but the truth is i'm just too sleepy.
then after that, i found out that my teacher was on MC and so, we combine with another class room for the 1st period. i swear i was about to slap this guy, he is freaking noisy and crappy! and so i lived past that 1st period, and also found out that 2nd and 3rd period is the same teacher, Mr. Kong. he's the vice principal. and he talks very slow~ therefore, we tend to fall asleep or get really bored in this class. but at least this time, we had lots of questions to do, not so bad la. then after class, went home. on the computer, facebook and such. feel so guilty about not studying, therefore i took out book, and after a while, i feel asleep. then when i woke up, tried to study, but seriously? tak jadi la! i just touch a bit only.
i forgot to mention that my cousin sister got her braces already. and my grandmother have been bugging me to get mine. it's like seriously annoying. she keep repeating and repeating and repeating when she have the chance. i just not in the mood to care about that now. then during dinner time, she bug me again. i just seriously not in the mood, so i just took my bowl of rice and went into my room to makan. then my dad came into my room and talk to me about braces again! like for god sake! leave me alone already! i shouted at him, to leave me alone. and he did. so i wasn't really in a good mood, then i went to mcD with man kit they all to discuss about stuff. my mood was life 50/50 at 1st. it got better la. then came home, it's like facing reality all over again. need to study and all. therefore, i'm blogging about it now. i need to release.
okay, i'm not bragging or anything but i feel like i need to stay on top of my class. i cant afford to drop. the truth is, i'm quite competitive about the things i care about. and 'this' i really care about. that's why it's so hard on me. if i wasn't the top for accounts during the last exam, i dont think i would be caring so much this time. since i am, i have this feeling that i need to fight to stay on top! you know? it's not easy. people are trying to push you down, everyone is getting better and better. i feel like i need to be better than them. there! i've said it!
then after that, i found out that my teacher was on MC and so, we combine with another class room for the 1st period. i swear i was about to slap this guy, he is freaking noisy and crappy! and so i lived past that 1st period, and also found out that 2nd and 3rd period is the same teacher, Mr. Kong. he's the vice principal. and he talks very slow~ therefore, we tend to fall asleep or get really bored in this class. but at least this time, we had lots of questions to do, not so bad la. then after class, went home. on the computer, facebook and such. feel so guilty about not studying, therefore i took out book, and after a while, i feel asleep. then when i woke up, tried to study, but seriously? tak jadi la! i just touch a bit only.
i forgot to mention that my cousin sister got her braces already. and my grandmother have been bugging me to get mine. it's like seriously annoying. she keep repeating and repeating and repeating when she have the chance. i just not in the mood to care about that now. then during dinner time, she bug me again. i just seriously not in the mood, so i just took my bowl of rice and went into my room to makan. then my dad came into my room and talk to me about braces again! like for god sake! leave me alone already! i shouted at him, to leave me alone. and he did. so i wasn't really in a good mood, then i went to mcD with man kit they all to discuss about stuff. my mood was life 50/50 at 1st. it got better la. then came home, it's like facing reality all over again. need to study and all. therefore, i'm blogging about it now. i need to release.
okay, i'm not bragging or anything but i feel like i need to stay on top of my class. i cant afford to drop. the truth is, i'm quite competitive about the things i care about. and 'this' i really care about. that's why it's so hard on me. if i wasn't the top for accounts during the last exam, i dont think i would be caring so much this time. since i am, i have this feeling that i need to fight to stay on top! you know? it's not easy. people are trying to push you down, everyone is getting better and better. i feel like i need to be better than them. there! i've said it!
Monday, December 6, 2010
An Awesome Monday
wooh! today was awesome! not like i got out and had some fun or anything. i just went to college in the morning, came back sat in front of the computer and downloaded movies, and watched them. well, i would normally have an awesome sunday where i stay home and do nothing watch movies and such, well i did.. but due to my internet wasn't working as efficient as it should. my sunday was just plain boring. INSTEAD, today the internet was totally fast and i could download movies in a jiffy, it would be a waste to let such 'power' be left untouched, and so i downloaded a few movies. (feel so happy on the inside) and enjoyed a whole afternoon of movies.
oh btw, i got my very own tumblr :) well, need keep up to this modern society right? or else, i would be living under a rock in a cave instead, just saying. oh did i mention that i slept till 12.30 yesterday, it was a good sleep. i was seriously so tired from waking up everyday at 7 plus to go to class, and even waking up at 6 plus 7 on saturday, but saturday was totally worth it in a way. the truth : i hadn't have so much fun for a while already, although i was seriously tired and sleepy and woooooosy~ but it was fun. saturday was dear teri's birthday. oh i unintentionally started calling certain people dear something dear something due to some incident with my phone and message. well, you know who you are! anyways, back to the story. saturday was teri's birthday, morning had camp briefing for those going state camp, then afternoon had lunch at D.E. then later on went to one utama. we did a lot of walking at one utama, and my leg were seriously killing me the day after that.
okay, and so tomorrow is tuesday, public holiday. I'll most probably be home as well, time to find some home entertainment. and hopefully my internet would be as awesome as today. *praying hard* should get some snacks at home too, nothing to nibble on at home. how depressing. hint hint to you guys out there :) okay, i guess that's it for today. not a very long post.. ta ta till next time.
yours truly,
Casey :)
oh btw, i got my very own tumblr :) well, need keep up to this modern society right? or else, i would be living under a rock in a cave instead, just saying. oh did i mention that i slept till 12.30 yesterday, it was a good sleep. i was seriously so tired from waking up everyday at 7 plus to go to class, and even waking up at 6 plus 7 on saturday, but saturday was totally worth it in a way. the truth : i hadn't have so much fun for a while already, although i was seriously tired and sleepy and woooooosy~ but it was fun. saturday was dear teri's birthday. oh i unintentionally started calling certain people dear something dear something due to some incident with my phone and message. well, you know who you are! anyways, back to the story. saturday was teri's birthday, morning had camp briefing for those going state camp, then afternoon had lunch at D.E. then later on went to one utama. we did a lot of walking at one utama, and my leg were seriously killing me the day after that.
okay, and so tomorrow is tuesday, public holiday. I'll most probably be home as well, time to find some home entertainment. and hopefully my internet would be as awesome as today. *praying hard* should get some snacks at home too, nothing to nibble on at home. how depressing. hint hint to you guys out there :) okay, i guess that's it for today. not a very long post.. ta ta till next time.
yours truly,
Casey :)
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