A Saturday Morning

okay, so today was HAS at sri permata. you know, the usuals la, woke up later than expected, not enough sleep, didn't eat breakfast, not enough time to prepare, man kit came to pick me up on time etc.. :P anyways, i think everything went quite well today but theres sure to be some glitches here and there la, but no harm done (i guess?). haha!

then this year, we had HAS in the hall, so we get to sit down and actually listen to the speeches. surprisingly, i think we heard a quite well spoken speech today.. :P give us more semangat! then gave out awards, incentives, and letters kot. so wink wink on the incentive! dah plan what to spend the money on already, but seriously like use st. john money to buy stuff to wear to st. john? like it's a cycle, but i guess better than nothing la, at least I'm getting new shoes :)

then after that, took some photos and had jamuan. oh, i had a little 'incident' with a cup of syrup and my face, and i guess the table also kot. that's incident no. 1.. then incident no.2 and incident no. 3 happened later on at night, before i was typing this. same incident, happened 3 times. just different type of drink. not my day huh?

then after that, a few of us marched around the tapak perhimpunan, i seriously can't believe i did that, cause seriously! I'm not a fan of marching. but i can say~ it was fun. so later, we had meeting with the new exco. nothing much to say about that. oh oh, we wrote our hopes and dream thingie again, it worked for me when i did that the last time. so yea, I'll be reading my note again in 1 year, I'm pretty sure I'll forget the content, so I'm gonna surprise myself next year. how fun is that?!

after the meeting, we marched around tapak perhimpunan again, seriously! it was fun! like i actually enjoyed it! and i learn to do a new trick too! :P need to practice more on that though. practice makes perfect!

overall, i didn't want today to be over la, it was fun for me. and other part i guess because i don't want Monday to come. and also, I'm afraid of October actually, certain 'event' is gonna take place in Oct, and it still scares me. seriously! i thought the previous one was bad, this one feels worst. lagi la, after knowing whats gonna happen there. but deep down inside, okay not that deep la, i wanna achieve it. we'll see la! wish me luck :) *wink wink*

bursting anger

like damn shit la, dunno how to reply people's sms is it? dah la so many phone, dah la phone yang canggih, is it that hard to start pressing on button to reply someone's messages? seriously? not the 1st time somemore, dah la berape kali, i seriously dunno how many times i got angry over this already. i dont wanna be too specific la, if not will be damn obvious who i'm talking about. i give up, seriously, i shouldnt even sms that person la. why do i border again? OH RIGHT! suppose to be my kawan la kot? damn bitch la!

i miss me

lately, i feel like my old self is coming back, the one that likes to go out, get out of the house, which is kinda good i guess, at least i dont hide myself at home all the time, but besides the good part, the bad part is back too. the old casey that gets angry and annoyed really easily, i dunno, i really cannot take it, for a period of time, i can say i was really calm, dont get angry easily but that part is slowly fading.. it's like choosing between angry and outgoing or calm and er, the opposite of outgoing? i really wanna be calm and outgoing i guess but unfortunately, i dont feel it in me.

why not just have a program in us to and just click on the screen, choose 'calm' and 'outgoing' and click apply? well, i dont think life is gonna be that easy. and seriously, emotions are such a screw up! i think i have a very low EQ, i cant really control my emotions that well. oh and actually, i feel like the emo part is kinda slipping back in a little. the more i think about it while i'm typing this, the more i feel miserable about myself, my life.

oh, few days back i went back to my hometown. it wasnt the trip i imagined it to be. and seriously, i dont think i've ever been bitten by so many mosquitoes before, i have marks all over my leg and my hand, and it's itchy! but still, i'm glad to see certain people at my hometown.. i feel kinda happy la, dah lama tak jumpa kot. that person was really nice to me last time, jaga me a lot.

teenage dream is playing on the radio. i still feel like there are things that i wanna do, and i really wanna do it! i think i can write a whole list out, but i dont think i can motivate myself to do it, unless someone actually pushes me to do it! tada! and this where someone should come in and help me accomplish it.

feel like i'm just randomly blogging stuff.. but it's good to say it out i guess. oh, i'm having my 1st term test next monday, and seriously, i should give a damn about it, but the problem is i dont.. i'm not studying.. i'm not even afraid!? not good, where did casey go? who the hell am i now? i have no idea.

oh and actually, a while back, i guess a few weeks back la, i've been thinking about leaving this 'activity' of mine, i actually dont see the purpose for me to be there anymore, i've always feel like i have nothing that i'm good at or worthy of being there, like i dont deserve it. it's like i'm on this thin line between failure and something, i cant think of the good side. maybe there isnt one? but now like, there are 2 things that will keep me motivated to keep going on, but i have no idea when i'll run out of fuel to keep pushing me on. we'll see la, i myself dont think i'll be there for that long as well.

i guess thats enough random facts and expression for tonight, maybe will continue another night.

oh wait, another random fact! i dont like to feel like i'm the last to know stuff, and i dont like to be excluded and i dont like to be lied to. i guess thats it.. over and out..

Lifeless

well, i think i'm actually quite lifeless lately but in a way i think i'm okay with it.I've been really relaxing a lot, and my exams are coming but i haven even study! totally guilty but seriously feel so lazy, i dont even feel like doing my assignment. it's been lying there on my table since yesterday. everyone else seems to be rushing to finish it, but i macam totally moodless.. oh well.. will have to make myself finish it during the weekend.

anyway moving on, actually i can say that i haven been feeling my anger for awhile, maybe a few weeks or month, but recently i get the anger rush in me again. like all the time, i'll just get angry over stupid little things, and will totally show it on my face. like seriously, there are things that doesnt concern me but i still get angry over it. maybe the heat is getting to me?

okay and so, i have this friend of me, he is thinking of changing course. i've been trying to persuade him not to la, in a way.. i've been telling him to think properly, cause seriously if he change course he would waste half a year for nothing. and my course technically end during next years june or so. it's not that long, just about one more year! if he just study a bit harder, work a bit harder, he could get a diploma already! i just feel so wasted. and i got so annoyed talking to him just now. yea, this is where the anger rush kicks in. well, i give up on him already. seriously, can someone tell me why do i border? no one? oh well..

A wednesday evening

went to visit sya just now, she's leaving tonight. to be more specific, it's more like tomorrow morning. but anyway, I'll miss her.. I've learned a thing or two from her that is quite true la. i cant wait till she comes back again next year! you hear that sya?! oh well..

and i kinda feel bad for missing my aunt's birthday dinner i guess. it's a dinner to celebrate her birthday? oh well, i shall just call it ' birthday dinner'. she's been very supportive of me, in a way.. lets just say theres always next year.

there are things that i wanna say but i dunno if should say it here. sometimes what i say might not be appropriate but this is like a medium for me to express all my thought, feelings and emotions but even so, i still hold back because i know if i went all out, people will surely get hurt or i might make things complicated. i think everyone that owns a blog would feel that way, unless well~ they don't give a damn what other people think or who they hurt la, that's totally a different heartless story. when i used to blog last time, as in last last time.. i would be careful of what i say but now.. I'm just lazy to alter my sentence so many times to make it sound more appropriate.

okay coming back to today, a Wednesday evening. i think i unconsciously became more quiet, and sometimes more obedient. the obedient part varies according to the person. is that one of the reason i'm talking less, or maybe it's really just because i don't really care? that doesn't sound nice, let me rephrase 'maybe it's really just because i'm tired of trying?' but i can honestly say, i'm withdrawing myself, i'm trying to push myself away, make it simple, i'm avoiding. i feel less pain, even when i go through the whole 'i dunno about this, i didn't knew about that, oh really that happened?' feeling. i can tell myself because i'm not there to know, as in i see it from a outsiders point of view, i can forgive myself for that. but when you're in the circle and you just don't know about anything, it's hurts more, much more. and i feel like i've been getting little hints about whats going on with me, if you wanna ask me just ask already, i'm not saying this in a mad way. i feel sorry though about every thing that i've done or caused any unhappiness, i didn't exactly mean it, if you know me well enough, you'll know my temper.

Realise

i did a lot of thinking yesterday night, i realised a lot of stuff too. whether i'm conscious of it or not, there seem to be a reason for my actions. why did i do this, why did i do that, it's really sounds like i'm just making myself look better in a way? it's up to you to believe or not. oh well..

and today, i had extra class which we had to do 6 questions, but seriously i wasn't up for it at all, i gave up halfway doing it. in a way, yes. i should be totally enthusiastic and hyped up with the challenge, but i wasn't. i'm just living and waiting for the days to pass and for me to get my life settled and really figure out what i wanna do with my life. i didnt really think much about it today, at least i wasnt smashing myself up like the past 2 days? it's a good thing i guess, in a way. i think about them all the time too i guess, and i really wanna go out with them but i just couldnt. it's like overcoming an invisible barrier, it's there but only i can see it. and i really feel like having someone around that i could rely on, someone special.. but it's not that easy i guess. i feel like while someone is reading this, they're mocking me at the same time. i should really focus 100% on my upcoming 1st term exam. deep inside, i know i can really focus 100% on exams and studies if i really wanted to but if i really do that. what would my life turn out to be?

i'm just crapping, i'm just typing and typing while falling asleep actually, i dont really know what am i typing either.

What I'm Going Through

i dunno what happened to me, am i the one that changed or is it that circumstances have changed. all this years, i've been dependent on my friends, and i think i've seriously said this so many times but yea, it's because all these years i've never had parents that i can go to and say : mom/dad, i need to talk to you, and stuff like that. i've told myself and people that i'm totally okay without my parents, but who would be? you tell me if you're gonna be totally fine if you're parents divorced, and they moved out and rarely see them when you're still a kid without an explanation. i've never knew what happened. it's like a sudden storm and thats it, everything was swept away just like that, my life, my family gone. i've never had siblings around my age that i can play with or talk to much, it's really lonely you know, i've always imagined what would it be like if i had a siblings that is around my age and i can talk to often or had parents by my side when i need them. it really slap me in the face recently that how insecure i am with friends and things.

for these past few days or week, i've been going through the same thing over and over and over again. if you're wondering what is it? i can tell you. it's a BIG SLAP IN THE FACE! again and again. sometimes i talk and try to start a conversation or say something, but seriously it's like i'm talking crap and no one gives a damn about what i say, most of the time seems like no one is listening at all. you might feel it's annoying but you have no idea what it feels like for me. and the reason i keep quiet? well, thats just because i'm tired of trying. what is the point of trying when no one freaking gives a damn? it's demotivating. and every time when wanna go out or something, i would feel really excited, and in normal days la, i would feel like wanna go out with them but every time when it actually happens, every time i step foot into the car, i would regret it, i feel like just walking off and go home. at least at home, i can choose not to put myself through all this crap, i can watch a movie or series or something. it sounds like i'm so lifeless, but seriously? do i have a choice? it's like the only place i can feel safe is being home. you think i really wanna just give the face and say nothing? you have no idea what if feels for me, you have no idea what i'm going though. you never understood what i've been through or how i've felt. and all this while i felt like i'm the extra person, i've always been fighting to fit in. and yet you never knew.

more or less this is what i've been feeling and going through, and i was feeling really really emo and upset when i wrote this.. i hope you'll understand

Insecure?

okay, i've just finished reading this book called 'the red pyramid' by rick riordan, and it is freaking awesome! like seriously! it feels like percy jackson abit la, cause of the gods and all.. but this book is awesome in it's own way! you so need to read it! :P the ending makes you wanna know whats coming up next! (like a normal exciting book would!) oh well..

so anyway, i've told some friends before that i dont really feel like going out much, like i really feel like staying home all the time and i mean seriously staying home all the time but there are exceptions though, this been going on for a while, i rather hang out at someones house or maybe somewhere near cause i dont have the desire to go out to shopping malls etc. today i'm suppose to go out with an 'old' friend for movie, we haven seen each other in a while but i just couldnt get myself to go, i can't really get myself to make the decision, i'll hesitate should i go or i should i stay, one second i've made the decision to go, the other i'll be regreting and would change my mind. i know i've let some of my friends down, and they don't really say much about it cause well, what are friends for~ :P i do hope they would understand. i've been thinking about a reason as in why i would feel that way, i've 'kinda' concluded that i feel insecure. and the problem is, there are certain group of friends that i have no problem going out with, as in i would say yes and go in a snap. this sucks doenst it? i need some motivation to push me. maybe in my subconscious i feel more secure and safe around certain people? i really dunno. and did i mention that i dont like places with lots of people? thats why i would NEVER go to shopping malls alone. i guess more or less that it.