What I'm Going Through

i dunno what happened to me, am i the one that changed or is it that circumstances have changed. all this years, i've been dependent on my friends, and i think i've seriously said this so many times but yea, it's because all these years i've never had parents that i can go to and say : mom/dad, i need to talk to you, and stuff like that. i've told myself and people that i'm totally okay without my parents, but who would be? you tell me if you're gonna be totally fine if you're parents divorced, and they moved out and rarely see them when you're still a kid without an explanation. i've never knew what happened. it's like a sudden storm and thats it, everything was swept away just like that, my life, my family gone. i've never had siblings around my age that i can play with or talk to much, it's really lonely you know, i've always imagined what would it be like if i had a siblings that is around my age and i can talk to often or had parents by my side when i need them. it really slap me in the face recently that how insecure i am with friends and things.

for these past few days or week, i've been going through the same thing over and over and over again. if you're wondering what is it? i can tell you. it's a BIG SLAP IN THE FACE! again and again. sometimes i talk and try to start a conversation or say something, but seriously it's like i'm talking crap and no one gives a damn about what i say, most of the time seems like no one is listening at all. you might feel it's annoying but you have no idea what it feels like for me. and the reason i keep quiet? well, thats just because i'm tired of trying. what is the point of trying when no one freaking gives a damn? it's demotivating. and every time when wanna go out or something, i would feel really excited, and in normal days la, i would feel like wanna go out with them but every time when it actually happens, every time i step foot into the car, i would regret it, i feel like just walking off and go home. at least at home, i can choose not to put myself through all this crap, i can watch a movie or series or something. it sounds like i'm so lifeless, but seriously? do i have a choice? it's like the only place i can feel safe is being home. you think i really wanna just give the face and say nothing? you have no idea what if feels for me, you have no idea what i'm going though. you never understood what i've been through or how i've felt. and all this while i felt like i'm the extra person, i've always been fighting to fit in. and yet you never knew.

more or less this is what i've been feeling and going through, and i was feeling really really emo and upset when i wrote this.. i hope you'll understand