Realise

i did a lot of thinking yesterday night, i realised a lot of stuff too. whether i'm conscious of it or not, there seem to be a reason for my actions. why did i do this, why did i do that, it's really sounds like i'm just making myself look better in a way? it's up to you to believe or not. oh well..

and today, i had extra class which we had to do 6 questions, but seriously i wasn't up for it at all, i gave up halfway doing it. in a way, yes. i should be totally enthusiastic and hyped up with the challenge, but i wasn't. i'm just living and waiting for the days to pass and for me to get my life settled and really figure out what i wanna do with my life. i didnt really think much about it today, at least i wasnt smashing myself up like the past 2 days? it's a good thing i guess, in a way. i think about them all the time too i guess, and i really wanna go out with them but i just couldnt. it's like overcoming an invisible barrier, it's there but only i can see it. and i really feel like having someone around that i could rely on, someone special.. but it's not that easy i guess. i feel like while someone is reading this, they're mocking me at the same time. i should really focus 100% on my upcoming 1st term exam. deep inside, i know i can really focus 100% on exams and studies if i really wanted to but if i really do that. what would my life turn out to be?

i'm just crapping, i'm just typing and typing while falling asleep actually, i dont really know what am i typing either.