It Gets Better Project

i came across this project online, it's called  'It Gets Better Project' this project came about cause of the recent suicide stories of LGBT kids due to being bullied and harassed, this project originated from U.S but it became a worldwide phenomenon in a few months.

I've been watching a lot of the videos posted on it's website today, and it really inspired me, it taught me a lot of things that i needed to know. honestly, i've always been bullied in my primary school on the way i act and such, and it really really annoys me, i felt really helpless. when i came to secondary school, i remember when i was in form 1, and i was still being bullied in class but as time passed, it got better. my secondary school life were much better than my primary school life cause there were no more bullies. i guess this is the exceptionally best part of being in SMK Sri Permata, i think the people there are much nicer and understanding. Imagine if i'd really transferred to another school, that shall stay unnamed. i think i would continue to have a freaking miserable life there, it's the culture there. i have a gay friend that studied in that school, but you know he doesn't exactly step out of the closet cause the culture and students there would destroy him. i'm not saying that i'm out of the closet too, but i'm halfway there i guess. and seriously, i feel really really happy that i have people in this school that understands, i don't really have a problem telling my school mates that i'm gay, they kinda just accept it. certainly, there are exceptional cases as well but i shall not go to that.

from 'it gets better project', i learned that it gets better. for now, i feel like lonely at times, when it comes to gay stuff, like you hope to have a mentor there to guide you through life, i got no one to go to. i mean, i know my friends are there, but they're not gay. okay, i still have fun talking about guys and all with them, but sometimes, you still cant help but feel like you're still alone. but whatever it is, as time past, i really believe it gets better, to have someone you love to be with you, to have a future. frankly speaking, i've thought of just ending my life before, just take a blade and slice my wrist, or just burn charcoal in my room, but what difference would that make, i know that by doing this, it would crush my parent's heart. and i do wanna tell my parents, and i know that they will accept it if they really loved me (i'm counting on that), but it still frightens me, from the videos i've watched, i learn that come out to them when you're really ready. and i know, i'm not ready to do that now. 

and something i realised, what makes LGBT people different? seriously, did you ever thought about that. like what makes me different from all the millions and billions of people out there? the only difference would be the person i choose to sleep with in the future, i guess. other than that, i'm just as normal as you are, merely a human being that roams the face of planet earth. so don't bully people for they are LGBT, get to really know them. i feel guilty, in my class everyone thinks that 'this girl' is a lesbian, well, honestly i have no idea if she is or not, and they are isolating her, and i feel really really helpless that i cant do anything. honestly, i know i'm just lying to myself, i could if i wanted to, i did try to tell them that they're being mean, but other than that, i didn't do much. and seriously, like really! it's not wrong to be yourself! like me, i just really don't give a damn about what people think anymore, i'm not that primary school casey that is so afraid to be who he is, the new and improved casey is much better than that. so if you're an asshole, if you wanna continue to be an asshole, just stay away from me then. don't discriminate LGBT. if you gave me another choice to make between being straight and being gay, i would still choose to be gay, i mean thats who i really am, thats all the fun part in my life, although it's tough, but i'm not about to just give it up. and thats all i have to say for tonight.

Communication

communication is a basic need to living our life. you cant live your life alone, without communicating with other people. okay, unless you got stuck in some deserted island then i got nothing to say la. but other than that, don't tell me you don't even talk to a single soul in a day. that's why communication is really important, and one must also know how to communicate with other people as well. when 2 or more person stops to communicate, it causes a lot of problems, believe me... i know.

this whole week, i've learned a lot and realised a lot of stuff, and also reflected on a lot of my past actions and things that i've done wrong. it's not wrong, to be wrong. but it's wrong, when you know you're wrong and you don't wanna be right. haha! let me translate, it's okay to make mistakes. but when we make mistake, the important thing is to learn from it and correct our mistakes. i have no freaking idea how many freaking times i've said this, but i just need to emphasize again, we ourselves will never know when we're hurting someone unintentionally, it's up to people around you to tell you that you're wrong. and learn from it and try to make it right. i admit that i've done lots of things that i'm not proud of, but i believe from this lesson, i can change to be a better person. i'll seriously try, but habits doesn't just change in one night, it takes a long time to re-adjust our actions. and obviously, we'll slip out of it once in a while, tend to just forget about it. it's up to your friends to remind you about it. and so, i'm asking my dear friends to remind me of what is right and what is wrong when i happen to slip out of it. thank you.

and please la, don't be a punching bag, if you're not happy with it, just say it la. solve it on the spot, when you tend to drag it, the misunderstanding is getting bigger and bigger. and one day, you'll just burst. (quote someone : like a balloon) i know what it feels like, seriously i do. to have people you care for, treating you like crap. i've been through that, and might be still going through that sometimes, but once you talk it through it'll be fine. the thought of evaporating from this planet is there, sometimes i just wish i could like get in a rocket and blast myself to mars or something.

this few days, i had little 'talks' with people. you know, just to sort things out. after that, i feel really relieved, like all the burden been release from my shoulder. it's a really nice things, when you come to an understanding with someone. it's like, you just un-tie the balloon and let all the air out rather than taking a needle to burst it. and it's important to know that there are friends that you can trust and believe, and know that they are there for you all the time. i always had issue with friends, i hate being left out, i hate being ignored. you're right la, i tend to terasa a lot of things, but that because i care. you know what the ironic part of this statement is? i always end up falling in love with people that ends up ignoring me. and i go through the whole, my life is crappy and i feel like crap period. that why i just really hate being ignored.

i think it's really time to sort everything out la, be honest, i already did that with certain peoples. just blab everything you wanna say, but say it in a nice and understanding way la. oh btw, and i've also learned a lot from certain people la, they really gave me a wake up call, like a few slaps on the face or something. i really did realise a lot of things, and been doing a lot of thinking and talking, to sort out what right and wrong between us. and before i finish, i would like to say, if you have anything to say about me, things that i can improve, things that i've done wrong and pissed you off in the past, anything at all. please come talk to me about it. rare opportunity! this is like an open invitation to my funeral, asking people to come tell me whats wrong with me, really casey? really? but i guess i would wanna do this. so yea, please do so. oh, and i just wanna say i'm sorry if i've offended anyone in the past, some things i really dont mean it.

random fact : casey doesn't like awkward moments, he doesn't like being all weird with someone, like silent.

and so, i think that's it for tonight, i spend like quite some time typing this, which i think i should have used this time to study for my exam tomorrow. hah! if you're thinking, what is wrong with you, you should be studying rather than blogging? then i would say, i did study like for the past few hours. i just have some memorising to do.

yours truly,
Casey :)

Secrets

i believe everyone have their very own secrets. no matter big or small, everyone have certain things that they are not sharing with the world. why not just tell the world? i would, but is the world ready for it? are we ready to face the world? ask yourself this, what is the consequences if i told the world about my secret?

i have my very own secrets, i can assure you of that. some people knows, some people don't. it used to be really hard living behind a shadow, but once you take one step into the light, you would wanna take the last remaining step and just complete the walk, but it's not that easy. recently, one of my friends asked me, why not tell my family that i'm gay? (it took me awhile to type that word here) anyway, yea. why not? it would totally save me all the fake smiling and nodding huh. the truth is, i'm just not ready to face all the drama that could happen, i don't want anyone getting a heart attack. but i really want to, i just couldn't take the last step.. some of my beloved friends already know, and i don't act around them anymore, i just be who i wanna be, say things i wanna say. i don't need to find a reason to cover up my tracks. like go through the whole awkward silence, then come up with something really really stupid to cover up. haha! okay, i don't think i actually do that. okay, get over it, i know you'll be thinking 'are you sure~?'

i thought of moving this blog, actually i did, and moved it back. cause i have no idea who have access to this blog, and people that shouldn't see, might see this. but in the end, i just thought i would be making a really big deal out of this, if i actually moved my blog. so i'm just gonna let it slip. i wouldn't want people coming to me and shout 'OMG! like you're gay? get away from me!' the truth is, i don't give a damn but i wouldn't want that happening.. but if that happens, i think blogging about it. so stay tuned~ anyways, sometimes i just need a company, not so lonely and depressing.

okay, here goes nothing.. *clicks the publish post button*

If I Had A Bad Day

today, i feel like i had this really really bad day. like yea. i went to class in the morning as usual. when i woke up i felt a bit dizzy like you know, haven fully recover from being sick. and so after ewing park his car, i walk to class la. i was like really really sleepy, i was just thinking of getting to class and lying down on my table. and so, while walking someone horn me! it was weng yee, she just reach, and when she pass me she horn me! she freaking horn me, i didn't look when she horn me i'm just too sleepy, i was cursing though. in my head, i went : 'which bloody bitch would freaking horn me'. then when she drive pass, i looked and she was waving, i didn't respond, i just kept on walking back class, thinking about my table. then when pei qing came in to class, she ask why i didn't respond, they thought i bad mood. but the truth is i'm just too sleepy.

then after that, i found out that my teacher was on MC and so, we combine with another class room for the 1st period. i swear i was about to slap this guy, he is freaking noisy and crappy! and so i lived past that 1st period, and also found out that 2nd and 3rd period is the same teacher, Mr. Kong. he's the vice principal. and he talks very slow~ therefore, we tend to fall asleep or get really bored in this class. but at least this time, we had lots of questions to do, not so bad la. then after class, went home. on the computer, facebook and such. feel so guilty about not studying, therefore i took out book, and after a while, i feel asleep. then when i woke up, tried to study, but seriously? tak jadi la! i just touch a bit only.

i forgot to mention that my cousin sister got her braces already. and my grandmother have been bugging me to get mine. it's like seriously annoying. she keep repeating and repeating and repeating when she have the chance. i just not in the mood to care about that now. then during dinner time, she bug me again. i just seriously not in the mood, so i just took my bowl of rice and went into my room to makan. then my dad came into my room and talk to me about braces again! like for god sake! leave me alone already! i shouted at him, to leave me alone. and he did. so i wasn't really in a good mood, then i went to mcD with man kit they all to discuss about stuff. my mood was life 50/50 at 1st. it got better la. then came home, it's like facing reality all over again. need to study and all. therefore, i'm blogging about it now. i need to release.

okay, i'm not bragging or anything but i feel like i need to stay on top of my class. i cant afford to drop. the truth is, i'm quite competitive about the things i care about. and 'this' i really care about. that's why it's so hard on me. if i wasn't the top for accounts during the last exam, i dont think i would be caring so much this time. since i am, i have this feeling that i need to fight to stay on top! you know? it's not easy. people are trying to push you down, everyone is getting better and better. i feel like i need to be better than them. there! i've said it!

An Awesome Monday

wooh! today was awesome! not like i got out and had some fun or anything. i just went to college in the morning, came back sat in front of the computer and downloaded movies, and watched them. well, i would normally have an awesome sunday where i stay home and do nothing watch movies and such, well i did.. but due to my internet wasn't working as efficient as it should. my sunday was just plain boring. INSTEAD, today the internet was totally fast and i could download movies in a jiffy, it would be a waste to let such 'power' be left untouched, and so i downloaded a few movies. (feel so happy on the inside) and enjoyed a whole afternoon of movies.

oh btw, i got my very own tumblr :) well, need keep up to this modern society right? or else, i would be living under a rock in a cave instead, just saying. oh did i mention that i slept till 12.30 yesterday, it was a good sleep. i was seriously so tired from waking up everyday at 7 plus to go to class, and even waking up at 6 plus 7 on saturday, but saturday was totally worth it in a way. the truth : i hadn't have so much fun for a while already, although i was seriously tired and sleepy and woooooosy~ but it was fun. saturday was dear teri's birthday. oh i unintentionally started calling certain people dear something dear something due to some incident with my phone and message. well, you know who you are! anyways, back to the story. saturday was teri's birthday, morning had camp briefing for those going state camp, then afternoon had lunch at D.E. then later on went to one utama. we did a lot of walking at one utama, and my leg were seriously killing me the day after that.

okay, and so tomorrow is tuesday, public holiday. I'll most probably be home as well, time to find some home entertainment. and hopefully my internet would be as awesome as today. *praying hard* should get some snacks at home too, nothing to nibble on at home. how depressing. hint hint to you guys out there :) okay, i guess that's it for today. not a very long post.. ta ta till next time.

yours truly,
Casey :)

Just A Dream

I was thinking about you, thinking about me.
Thinking about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes; it was only just a dream.
I travel back, down that road.
Will you come back? No one knows.
I realize, it was only just a dream.

I'm like addicted to this song, but i prefer the Sam Tsui and Christina Grimmie's version. :) i was sitting in class today, listening to songs while teacher was teaching (i know it's wrong but it doesnt affect me paying attention in class). okay, i shouldn't say songs, cause i was practically listening to this same song over and over and over again for about an hour or so.. hahaha!

*intro* welcome! thanks for tuning in! we have Casey blogging live @ blogger.com.. *LOL*

so yea, here i am again after dunno how long was the last post, I'm a little bored and lifeless nowadays.. soon that will end~ sigh! i like being bored and lifeless, it's like can relax at home, just sit in front of the computer and do practically nothing. HAHA! what a way to enjoy life huh?

so lately, i guess i could say I've hit another road block, trainers results is out, i didn't get what i expected to get. seriously? like seriously? it's like i thought i was better than that, but nooo~ kenneth messaged me on Monday night after I've already on my bed, about to doze off, then when i saw the message, i jump back up, phone ran out of credit so couldn't reply him, i instantly turn on my com and went online, he was online, so we have a little chat on how impossible this feels and yea, should have studied more. sigh, i should have been like teri la, went home to study.. *wink wink to teri* anyway, i was seriously shock.. it's like a huge big time slap on my face. so on Tuesday, well, i would say I'm on this really really rough ride to dunno where, so my morning was practically deadly, i tried to control la, but there were time that i almost snapped at people in class. then after that, i slept the whole afternoon, like just really wanna sleep past it, and i did. btw, the weather was awesome to sleep to, it was raining. so in the end, i slept like 4 hours or so, woke up in the evening, still feeling like crap, i cant remember who i talked to at night that made me cheer up a bit.. and i watched some happy reality shows that i laughed like mad. and yea, i think I'm over it.. i think i kept on repeating seriously seriously seriously with kenneth and teri.. hahaha! to me la, i feel that I've never failed so terribly before, like things that i really wanted to pass, i would.. some things i just don't really care about failing so yea..

what next to story? i feel like having a super power to move things with my brain.. "telekinetic" hahaha! I'm just tooo lazy to move to get the pillow on my bed at the other side of the room. it's never wrong for a man to dream~ this reminds me of a song. Dream Big by david cook

Cause if you don't dream big what's the use of dreaming,
If you don't have faith there's nothing worth believing,
It takes one look to make the stars worth reaching for,
So reach out for something more.

 

okay, i shall just keep talking.. i think i need a long holiday and vacation cause seriously, when i go to class every morning the only thing that i think about is going home. i need a fresh start. I've thought about this though, someday i wanna go to a new country to restart my life and just leave everything behind, someday i will. there's just a lot to think here, it'd be a good chance to be living life they way i wanna live, no one knows me, be who i wanna be. i cant do that here, there's a lot to worry about. *gets up and go get the pillow* I've had a post about being who i wanna be, not being afraid to live my life. but recently, i keep getting messages about who my family want me to be. and i don't wanna disappoint them, i would choose to escape to another country and start over. this brings me to studying hard.. get an awesome job in another country or something. hahaha! 

oh just a random question, have you even thought about what will happen with you and your friends in a few years time? everyone going their separate ways eventually, never seeing each other again. times like this is just being a simple part of our memories? i know i have. seriously, i have. until now, i have no idea what 'life' have installed for me, but eventually 'life' will unfold itself bit by bit.

casey signing off. stay tuned for the next post.

 

Last Minute of 11th November 2010

i haven been blogging in awhile, i just didn't feel like it. anyway, here i am using the time right before I'm off to bed to just give a brief update about my life.

1. I've been falling asleep in class frequently lately
2. my aunt is back from UK, bought me books :)
3. have a serious backache when I'm typing this
4. I really wanna watch HARRY POTTER!

okay, generally that's what i can think off at this very moment. but that's obviously not all.
so today at extra class, this guy sitting near me, he rarely comes for extra class but then he came today. normally extra class is from 1pm till 5pm, and so was today, he wasn't freaking listening most of the time, god know whats he playing on his phone, then he was complaining about the principal talking too long, and wanna go home and such. seriously, i do appreciate the principal spending his time to teach us. although he does talk alot and makes us suffer at time. random fact : got backache now cause been stuck to the chair for hours. but what ever he teach really helps. and i really paling tak puas is that he doesn't give a damn, but when exam comes he's the fricking 1st one to panic. like seriously panic! i was like.. you are the one that doesn't pay attention and don't give a damn about class, always skipping Friday classes. you know your own condition so make a damn effort to come to class, and yet you still panic during the exam? you brought that onto yourself. so yea, i sat there most of the time trying to keep cool before i go all SERIOUSLY? YOU'RE NOT LISTENING? on him. oh, and today i feel so proud of myself.. the principal was asking us to answer one question, and he was saying like no one can answer it correctly and all. then i just so happen to mumble out the answer when everyone was answering at the same time, and well, i didn't he would have heard but he did. and he pointed at me while saying the answer out loud. i was like.. wooohoo! score 1 for casey!

and so, lately i just feel tired of going to class, i really feel like having a vacation or something away from this busy life. okay fine, i don't exactly have a busy life, but i do feel like a need to change the environment for a bit. and seriously, i need holidays without assignments! i can foresee my Xmas holiday to be gone, and my CNY holiday to be gone too. that's just plain depressing! hmm, what else? recently, theres not much 'happening' stuff going on for me. feel quite free.. oh, this strikes me, i have an upcoming dinner on Saturday night. oh, it's gonna be awkward! believe me~ i hope it goes well. seriously, what else? my life sounds so dull! random fact : casey learned some cool tricks on Microsoft excel. (highly doubt it will come in handy anytime soon)

lets go on the whole future path topic, and so we've gotten our exam application forms today to apply for which exams we wanna sit for next year. I'm considering on the subjects that i would wanna take and back up plans. oh oh, and i would wanna go for the opportunity to get well, 3 diploma's? i would say it more or less revolves around the same thing, accounting.. but still, it's obviously better to have 3 diploma's then 1 right? i know i can do this! I've been telling myself that a lot recently.

actually, i feel like i need to talk to somebody. like just talk, like decent conversations. obviously, i do talk to people, i don't live under a rock. but I'm saying that, i need someone to listen to me talk. like just let me blab everything out. the feeling of people don't give a damn of what I'm saying is there every time i talk to someone. i have friends that i know i can talk to, but they obviously are very busy with their own lifes. and if you've been following me on my previous posts, you know that parents aren't exactly an option for me. my expression method are getting limited. i dont mind getting an online buddy or something.. penpal? uhhh, whatever..

I'm 1 minutes away from 12th November 2010, i cant believe time is passing by so fast. it's almost a year that I'm out of high school, I've been 18 for hmm... 3 and a half months? got my driving license for around 4 months? it all seems like yesterday that I'm still in school, sitting for spm, going through all the days being all depress and pathetic. but I'm over it now (at least i think so)

i think this is why i have a blog, to be able to type all this right out.. it's a relieve to my brain, also increases my mental health. at least i know, my brain would continue to function for awhile :P and goodnight to the world.

Invisible Truth

the reason i came up with the name 'Invisible Truth' for my blog is because i wanted to express emotions, facts, truths that cannot be seen from the surface and i don't think I've been using this blog to it's fullest potential. theres been certain topic that i wanted to express here but i just couldn't make myself do it, i would say i don't have the guts to do it yet. i thought of making this blog a place to 'express' but when i think of it, people can just access this blog in a snap of a finger. and I'm afraid certain people would see it, and just not accept it? I've been struggling to tell my parents the truth recently actually, i think I'm old enough to do it. but every time, when i think of what happens if i do, the consequences to my actions. i reconsider my 'plan'. well, the truth? i don't freaking care if my friends don't accept the fact or what ever, i came across this line 'those that matter don't mind, those that mind don't matter' and i really feel it. cause seriously, if they really are your true friends, they would accept you for who you are. and those that doesn't, well, they're not worthy of being your friend then. *insert story about past personal experience here* but family is different, you cant just ditch them, you have to spend your whole life with them! and they are the ones that i feel i'm letting down the most, i feel like everyone have hopes in me. and that hope is gonna shatter like glass if they found out the truth. i'm actually really tired of hiding who i am, i wanna just step out into the real world. the world i belong in, the world that i can just be myself, no more hiding. and i know whats the first thing i'm gonna do after i've expose the truth! i think i'm so gonna post it on facebook! i know everyone hope to have this platform to fall back on, when theres a wall infront of you, you hope to have your friends and family to help you climb across it. but now, that wall is my family. i'm like stuck here hanging, not passing on, not falling back. i admit that i need help, someone with i dunno, experience to be here. but seriously, i wouldnt find any. okay, right, too dramatic, i know i know, coming back.. i think if my told my parents, knowing how much they love me, they would eventually accept the fact, if i'm not wrong. but i dont live with my parents, it's a whole other story regarding my family. this is so freaking hard! and i'm seriously tired of hiding! like seriously.. i wanna climb across that wall! and find the real casey, the real me.