Day After 11.11.11

i just had this horribly long day, woke up for st. john, left home at 9 ish then came home at around 10 ish at night, damn tired, seriously tired and aching all over. the aching was very bad, like seriously god damn fucking pain, i couldn't even eat my dinner properly. but i would say spending the day with everyone at st. john HQ is quite fun, learning stuff and all just the pain was killing me. and yeah, having dinner with gang was good too, like so long didn't sit down together already.

and you know, i wanted to talk to my boyfriend after such a long day and just have a nice conversation with him but it didn't work out that way. i dunno, i was kinda upset with what he said to me.. i would blast every god damn thing that i wanna say about it out here but i know he would be reading this someday sooner or later and i shall not do that, i'll just keep it to myself. hmmm, yeah, i'm upset and kinda pissed when i was typing this here now. so yeah.. i'm just gonna go to bed and just cool down.

Note to friends

dear friends,

i would like to sincerely apologise for ditching you guys some times, i know i've been doing that a lot lately. i'm sorry. i won't say anything to make me seem less of a bad friend because it's just gonna be bullshit if i do. i just feel like i dont have enough time to use, working and studying is kinda tiring. i know that, when i have spare time, i've been spending most of it with alex. i really dont mean to ditch you guys, i will try to come out to meet you guys more. :)


ps : alex, dont say anything about this post.

19th September 2011

i felt so tired of everything today, and also slightly lonely i guess. partly because i was so busy with work today, i just felt like talking to someone but yeah.. my phone was so quiet today, i barely had any text. 

when he came to pick me up just now, i wanted to spend more time with him but i just didnt tell him and it was just a simple drive home. so here i am, 40 minutes after i got home, sitting in front of my computer blogging.

First Relationship

being in a relationship with someone else is something i've kinda always wanted, and now it did, but i didnt expect it to happen, i didnt expect myself to really be in a relationship with someone else. not that i'm complaining or anything, it's just that i cant believe this is real. i've always been the sucky lovey dovey type, i've always had this "ideal relationship" playing in my head such as boyfriend pick up after work, head over to his place, he cooks dinner, spend the night at his place. the ironic part of that is.. it's actually happening. it's no longer a fantasy, it's now reality.

i enjoy spending time with him, but the problem is i dont wanna be too clingy with him. i've done that before, it doesnt end well, thats for one, and the other reason is because it's like being someone else. i want me to be the rational self rather than the love stuck clingy casey. he keeps telling me he doesnt mind me being clingy, in fact he likes me being clingy but i really dont wanna be that casey. but now, i just feel so love stuck. i used to be emotional because i want to be with that special someone, but now it's still i want to be with that special someone just that it's in a different way. ahhh~ the irony of everything..

it's hard to tell if a relationship will go or not, but i hope this one does. he keeps saying it's my first relationship and i'm just exploring and such. yes, that may be true, it's my first relationship but i feel like he's everything i wanted. but in the end, nothing is certain, we'll see how it goes.

Diploma in Accounting

i passed my LCCI with 3 Distinctions out of all 3 subject. if i were to say, i didnt feel anything, would you believe me? i didnt feel excited, afraid, nervous, anxious, nothing at all. it's just like oh okay. i feel so fake. and when i told my family, it's not like they care also, so whats the point? actually, theres lots more to be told, but i just dont feel like saying..

My Desire, My Dream

I just came back from uk today. A lot has happened since the day i step foot out of malaysia and venture into england (15 june 2011), My views changed, my life changed. I saw and lived different lifestyle from the one i lived for the past 18 years of my life. Its a brand new experience, one that is meant to be kept. It really breaks my heart that i had to leave and come back to reality. Here i am 4.10am in malaysia on my bed, writing a blog on my ipod about how i wanna go back to uk, stay there and live the life that i admired people to have. Many people asked me hows my trip, i tell them "it's okay, it's good" but the honest truth is it was amazing! It was the time of my life! Its the "great escape" or what i refer to as the "bubble", a place where i could escape reality and not care about anything. I finally went into the bubble for the past 6 weeks, leaving this life here in malaysia was the best thing that happened to me, and now that my buble is gone, i just feel so lost and depress. Hence this post at 4.23am. I told myself that im gonna go work in the uk someday. I wannago back to uk. :'(

Next Phase In Life?

i kinda wonder does anyone still reads this blog? oh well. so here i am, blogging after so long. today, my one year studying for lcci came to an end. okay fine, technically it was yesterday cause now already 1am, moving on.. i would wanna feel like the weight is lifted of my shoulder, i wanna feel like i can relax, actually feel happy and excited that exams are over, but i just felt like another day, instead i have more work to catch up than before, theres no 'excuse' for me to push work to later on,  i need to rush to finish everything soon as i'll be leaving to uk. i avoided the computer for the night until now, i just dont wanna be sitting in front of the computer sorting out stuff, i want to not worry. for crying out loud, my exams finished, i'm graduating already, i wanna just throw everything away and enjoy the moment. maybe get a pat on the back telling me 'casey, you've done a good job', instead i need to deal with life.

honestly, i'm so scared to move on. i'm scared to get out of the country, i'm scared about what gonna happen next? whats the next step in my life? work? study? can i cope? questions, questions, questions.. i got 8 more days to do what i wanna do, i honestly dont think thats enough time. bottom line, what i can do now is i hope i have the time of my life in uk, just completely leave behind this life here in malaysia.

Shine A Light On Me

you know when you have this period of time, you just emotionally break down? that's what i'm going through the past week or so, on and off my days been just a wreck. i was home all day today, sitting in front of the computer, watching movies and stuff. the thought of dropping everything keeps coming up, disappearing for the next 3,4 weeks. but i dont i'm able to disappear, i dont think i can, but i want to. i have trouble sleeping at night, i think the stress is getting to me, exam is just around the corner, after that i need to worry about flying to uk, stuff to pack, stuff to bring, i need to go shopping for that, then after i come back i need to think about work and studies and practically life. i'm 18 years and 10 months old, i dont feel like i'm ready to go through all that, i'm scared to go through all that. i hope someone like my parents would read this or something, and realise how much i'm going through, but it's not likely to happen. i want a shoulder to cry on and will tell me everything will be alright in the end. days been passing by just like that, i feel like my time is flying by too fast for me to realise anything, realise i should do something more exciting with my life, realise that i need to get out more. i wanna go bowling, movies, shopping, karaoke, just do something exciting, maybe even cycling, running, jogging, i feel like i need to release my this stress thats on me. i know i'm asking a stupid question, something ironic and just unreal, but why cant life be the way we want it to be?

i hate awkward situations, i hate being stuck in the middle, i hate being left out, i hate people bugging me at the wrong moment, i'm frustrated when people give redundant comments. people just tends to do that to me all the time, my temper is just going up and down. I dont function well under stress, i wonder how am i gonna deal with work, still figuring that out, i guess it's time to step up to life's challenges. i need to wake up from dreaming of this life that isnt gonna happen. did i mention i tend to eat under stress? when i look fat-er, you'll know whats up with me. and i failed to mention it's so stupid when someone ask you 'hows life?' or 'how are you?' and you tell them 'it's good' or 'i'm fine' but actually you're far from it. i hope my knight in shiny armour would come to my rescue and shine a light on me.