Plans for Birthday?

well, it's like almost a week away from my 18th birthday, 18th birthday is suppose to be special and meaningful and stuff like that, i won't elaborate on that. anyway, few months ago, i'm so excited that i'm turning 18 this year, thinking about stuff that i wanna get for myself and do but now i'm hardly excited at all. previous years, i would have planed what i wanna do on my birthday or so, but this year i totally have no idea what i want to do at all, seeing my birthday is on the same day as mtv world stage, everyone is going to mtv world stage. i know what you're thinking, you're thinking like then just go and spend your birthday there or something but thats not what i wanna do, it's not really my thing. so till now, i have no idea what to do on my birthday. maybe i should just tell myself that it's just a stupid 18th birthday that only happens once in a life time, it's no big. oh well.. life goes on anyways.

Living in my own world

okay, today went to sri permata for the one day camp, it's actually like quite fun. i enjoyed myself but it is like so tiring, my legs were killing me when i got home. you can imagine this coming from me, i'm just there to support, the committee themselves would be more tiring, but it's a good experience for everyone. hope they will like keep up with their good work and all, and i totally learned so many new ways to protect a raw egg from breaking.

moving on, after the whole one day camp, i went home half dead and went online, then later on went out to "yam cha" with friends, as we're talking, at certain moments of the conversations, i kinda feel totally like left out, because it's like there's so much that i dont know about, they'll be talking and talking and everyone understands and i'll be like lost, i dunno anything at all, i'm also lazy to say anything about it. There's like all these stories that everyone knows and i dont know, it actually kinda stings. oh well, thats life i guess. i shouldnt give a damn about it, but unfortunately, i do. or maybe they dont give a damn about me, i dunno.. i should get over it and just live in my own world or something.

and i think i'm not much of a nice person la, i'm kinda annoyed with certain stuff, actions and persons. it's like memang hard to tahan la, but i at least i didnt snap at that person or anything. my temper is more controlled now than last time, last time if anything tak puas i think i would have just snapped and walk off, but now, i'm more like controlled, i still snap and walk off at times, but at least i come back and sometimes i just lazy to snap and scold someone..

okay, i'm pretty tired, it's been a long day so i'm going to bed now..

17th year, 11th month and 22th day of my life

okay, today wasnt one of the best days of my life, i totally forgot about tuition, until i was called by my ex-tuition teacher, which she now is my boss. anyway, i went there, it's more like i rushed there but thats not important, so i reached and to find out that my student didn't do his own work, he said he asked his friend to help him but i can totally tell by the perfectly well done accounts, and even though his freaking net profit in the profit and loss account was wrong but he still totally got perfectly correct balance sheet that is suppose to be unbalance, but magically his net profit amount in the balance sheet is correct!! that is so fake! in simple english, HE CHEATED!! i almost snapped at him, but 'unfortunately' i didnt, what a shame. i just whacked him really really hard with the reference book. it's like come on la, i wanna do this quick, i have no time already, spm is in what? er.. 3 or 4 months or so, and i haven freaking started with form 5 syllabus! and he doesnt seem to work hard and do the readings that he is suppose to. okay, i should move on..

okay so, my mom's birthday is in about 3 weeks, and i dunno what to do for her. this year is suppose to be one of her important years, a mid point in life. so i wanna make it special, but i dunno how. it's like she supported me all this years with my life and all. i wanna do something good for her.

and personally, i miss going to this house which is a place that i always enjoy hanging out at, the house is kinda big, and comfortable but it isnt about the house la, it's more about the people living in the house, and the people i always hang out with at that house, it's this place where i can just drop all my frustrations and burdens in life and just enjoy the moment for that few hours. to me, it's this bubble that everyone dreams about, this safety/escape bubble that you dont need to think about anything in life and just be calm. but ever since all of us have gone to college and certain event that happened, we rarely see each other and hang out the way we used to. i miss all that memories, although there are unhappy and regretful decisions and events that occured in that house, but it's the good memories totally beat the bad ones. i wish to be able to go there someday soon.

Conversation!

okay, i dunno why but i always get inspired on what to blog about when i'm talking my bath, i think i'm able to think properly and calmly when i'm in the showers.

anyway, lets come back to the topic.. HAHAHA! lately, i feel like i'm not having much conversation with people, i barely talk about stuff in class. The whole routine is like, go to class, sit down, sleep/read a book, teacher comes in, start class, do exercises, then the next teacher comes in, break time, read a book/go for food, continue class, then go home.. after reach home i will siting in front of the computer the whole day if i dont need to go out. then on msn, it's like the usual how are you doing, hows your day, what you doing type of questions.. i feel like i need to talk more, that sounds like i'm such a bitch but yea. communication is a basic human thing, and i dont feel like i'm really communicating much, this feels so freaking pathetic! but it's true, even when having conversations with people, i feel like i'm the one always talking, it makes me feel like that person don't wanna listen and i should just shut up. i'm so tired of this whole lifeless moments.. i need a life!

Weekend Again

it's friday today! i cant believe time is just flying by so fast, but i'm kinda looking forward to this weekend, my time will be occupied and i wont have time to think about all the disappointments of life.. i'm kinda glad that my weekdays at class is over for the week, it's like this time out period to take a break. you know, someone said i always sounds so emo with my blog, my tweets, my facebook and all.. well, THATS TRUE!! it's because i always left out the happy parts.. HAHA!! oh well, maybe i'll try to post more happy stuff from now on.. stay tuned :)

i ≠ us

until recently, i thought my life is finally on a new path but now, i feel like it's slipping back to the past, it's more like i'm slipping back to the past. i really dunno what is up with me, sometimes my mood is just terrible and moody, especially around certain people la, it's not that i dont wanna be in a good mood and join the fun and all, it's i cant, i cant make myself do so.. okay maybe i do know why, i think i have this auto machanism where i shut off when i have this feeling that i dont fit in, i'll just pull back and wanna be left alone. okay, technically, i think most of us do that.. but it's more frequent to me now, i do that almost every morning, and give out the dont come near me "aura".. and i get pissed off easily, every little thing that people do, their action that i dont like, i just feel pissed and feel like just walking away and go home but the problem is, i dont wanna show the bad side all the time.. i've been trying to avoid them a bit recently, i dunno what they feel about the way i act, i myself feels so confused.. why isnt there like this bubble that we can just be alone, away from the world for just a while, some time to kick start again. i miss hanging out with my good old friends, laughing, talking, have fun and be me, and not someone that i need to pretend to be and show the others. i miss you guys, the ones on the same side of the world and the ones on the other.. why cant we rewind time, and just go back to those moments that meant so much to us..

Birthday Wish...

i cant believe i'm gonna be 17 this year, time seem to past so so so fast.
its as if it was yesterday that i'm still a young and innocent boy. XD
hahaaa, but i do hope to have a great birthday this year.. i hope..
like spending time with certain people and all...
or maybe get wonderful presents, but thats not really that important (optional)
but i do hope to get certain items like a hi-fi with multi purpose function..
i used to enjoy blasting songs in my room, when i used to own a radio, but it died a year ago
i would like to make over my room too, it seems so messy
or or even maybe get 39 clues, book 1 to 5.. :D
but these dreams seem hopeless..

No One Understands..

is it just me? okay, i think it's just me..
i feel kinda lonely, i feel like i got no one to talk to, no one to listen, no one to communicate with..
technically, i'm a sensitive person especially with these issues.. it's like you have friends around you, and in front of everyone else you seem to be very close.. but the truth is you're not close at all, you dont understand what the other person is thinking, you just dont know the person.. and sometimes in a group, you'll feel like you dont belong there, you'll feel like the outcast. that happens to me all the time, i'll normally just sit aside and keep quite, and they'll think i'm like emo all of a suddent, but they dont know how i feel.. they never do..
it may sound like i'm being paranoid or something but thats just how it is.. i've blog about this so many times already, i'm so tired of this and i feel so helpless. i really envy other people, having a normal family. i dont have a everyday normal family like everyone else, i'm alone, i dont want to face life alone, at times i'll say i'm fine with being alone, i've got over the part where i dont stay with my parents.. but thats not true, i'm not fine being alone. everyone wants to be cared by someone, i dont feel like i'm being cared, it's as if i need to carry the burden all on my own, it feel so hard. it's like walking on a never ending road all by myself, cold and dark..

i dont want to be like this, i want a normal life, i want a happy life..
but i know that will never come true. i'm not like everyone else..
i'll never be normal, not today, not tomorrow, not ever..

things doesnt always go as planned, but sometimes it just go terribly wrong until you no longer know what to do.. one day you know you have an elder half sister and elder half brother, which i dont really take them as my "half" siblings, because they just arent that "half", and the next day you know that you have another younger half sister.. it's not something that you deal with everyday. i'm not saying that i'm not okay with it, i'm perfectly fine with it, its just... complicated. sometimes you were wish you had a normal everyday life, a loving father and a caring mother..

and i know some people dont like my personality, cause i'm annoying and all.. and i'm sorry about that.. thats how i am, i dont intentionally want to annoy you.. if you dont like it, you cant just dont be friend me or whatever.. i dont think i really care anymore..

really having some emotional ups and downs lately.. it's like i'm happy today and i might be not so happy the next day.. and yet, no one understands..