Pressure

this feels like spm all over again, the pressure of studying, the pressure of not knowing what will happen, did i study enough and such. i mean, it's just an internal final, i wonder why do i even do this to myself, i guess i just dont like the feeling of loosing. it's like a marathon, you cant see anyone around you, you're running alone, you have no clue if there is anyone in front of you, the only thing you can do is to run faster to out run the others, not knowing if there are others already at the finish line.

so yeah, thats more or less what i'm going through now, i cant wait till this finals is over, i wanna go out! then after that only go back to study mode for the remaining 2 months.

Constellation

a group of friends is like a constellation, this big pattern made up of different stars. one star would just be a normal bright star in the night sky, but when a group of stars come together, it's a whole different story. i particularly like Orion cause the name is really cool, and also how the 3 stars outshines the rest. it's not about who outshining who, it's about what you can achieve by working together to form something bigger than yourself. i always wanted the be part of Orion's belt, but now i just feel like being the dimmest star in the constellation, sometimes i appear and sometimes i dont, but i'm still part of this constellation.

p/s : the last post was my 50th post on this blog!

Slacking

i dont think i can afford to slack anymore, but i know i still would. i'm scared! i'm really really scared! i feel like i'm still not at 'that' level yet. people around me is already chasing up to me, and i feel like i'm still standing still. honestly, i've never had people having high expectations of me, it's always me having high expectations for myself. and this time, people's expectation are higher than mine, and it's really stressful to keep up to people expectations. i know i've blog about this before, but it's just that, yea.. i feel the same. but this week been good, i've been kinda pushing myself to do work, normally i slack on monday and tuesday afternoon, but these two days at least i manage to complete my work. i wanna be faster than other people, it's more like i need to be faster and better than other people. i have no idea how i manage to get high marks during exams, because in daily school work, there are people can out run me. and this march exam, it's gonna be a competition, i know other subjects i might not be that good, maybe just an average score. but i need to be good in accounts, as in, i need to be hell good to set that bar high. this may sounds damn cocky, and i wouldnt say i'm THAT cocky, like 'screw him asshole' kind of cocky type of person, but i'm not gonna deny that theres a cocky bitch living in me. everyone is cocky at things that they're good at, or they just act all modest and sincere but actually they feel like 'you better watch out! yo mamma is gonna be so sorry for having you born, bitch!' i'm just saying.. i'm more of option 2 too.

i feel like maybe god is playing me, not that i'm that religious, but things have a way of working out for me. things that i really want, i normally dont get it, but when i feel like it's really hard for me to get it already, i would end up getting it. i'm not talking about materialities, not gadgets or computers or physical stuff. i'm talking about scores, marks, passing stuff, things that i cant predict. i need to be sincere enough, to actually get it. that's more or less what i concluded about my fate.

Totally Awesome

today i went to amcorp mall with dana and sasa, once we left for taman paramount lrt station, it started raining. once we reach taman jaya lrt station, it was raining heavily. i brought my umbrella and dana brought hers to, when sasa opened up dana's black lacey umbrella, sasa and i just started laughing! it's so small~ like seriously only fit one single soul under that umbrella, and so sasa and i shared umbrella and we like made our way across the street to A&W, we were half wet when we reach, and so we bought food and ate at A&W, then not long after we order, we saw hoe yinn and hoe wei and family~ coincidence much! after awhile, we decided to make our way to amcorp mall, once we reach amcorp mall, we like look around the flea market, and we kinda bought ourselves some interesting 'goods' then after that we walked around amcorp mall, looking at clothes and stuff. then we came to this like warehouse sale for clothes, went it, looked around for nice clothes, the clothes isnt bad~ puma's t shirt was really nice! i had some t shirts that i haven worn yet and so i didnt buy anything. but dana and sasa bought tops. we spend quite some time there, and after that we moved on to the book shop. (there were lots of pit stops in between destinations, so we actually went it to many different shops) there were bargain sale going on, cheap books! we looked around for nice books, i myself bought 2 books for RM10, which is really cheap. and dana bought around 6 books, and sasa bought 1. everyone's happy. :) after that we made our way back to the lrt station, but we made a stop at the flea market to pick up some 'goods' that we missed out. after we got back, we drove to look for food, and 'ta pau' it to my house. had dinner after that we watched movies, man kit and chai theng came to join us. then after that we just lepak and all..

i'm really happy la, i hadn't had much fun recently, been really busy with college work. it's good to just spend a day with friends, talk crap and just hang out, shopping. i miss doing that. but i'm really tired from all the walking, i can barely walk up the lrt station stairs. but other than that, it's good. dinner was good too~ haven had mee jawa in awhile. and i think i shall go to sleep, it's already 2am plus. 

note to self : consider re-investing in a pair of nike air max, the most awesome walking shoe's i've own in my life, painless walking, seriously, like i can walk for hours and feel no pain.

Trip To UK

my family decided to go to UK in June, like for a vacation and just take a break. i just got off the phone with my mom, and she was saying that it's expensive and all. i know this trip would cost me a fortune but i really wanna go, i mean for the last 18 years of my life, where have i been to? hong kong? that was when i was like 5 years old, i can barely remember anything now. i do think i deserve this trip for myself, even though it would cost my lots of my savings, but bottom line : it's worth it. i just wanna ship myself off this country and just live another life for 1 month or 2. is that so much to ask for? i mean it's not like i'm making my parents pay for the trip, i would be paying most of it myself but still i do hope they can help me out a little. i wanna see this come true cause it meant a lot to me. and well, i don't wanna be home alone for about 1 month plus rotting at home while my family is on an awesome trip to UK. i hope my parents would understand that.

Fucking Stuck In The Middle

it's like what the fuck la! i stuck in the middle of this whole mess! i swear i'm never gonna be the messenger again la, anything direct to that person straight. seriously, damn tired la! this one tell me one thing, then need to pass, then that one tell me one thing, then need to pass. then got problem, who kena? i kena pulak. it's like seriously! damn shit la! and seriously! i dont even wanna fucking study for the exam! no time la! 

What Do I Even Care

honestly, i'm so tired of all this sudden "bad news", you can call it bad news i guess. sigh.
so much been happening these few days, i was kinda looking forward to this weekend like you know, got something interesting to do, but no~ it cancelled on me and now i'm so have nothing to do for the weekend. and i'm suppose to have class, but i just feel so mood-less to give a fucking damn about it. some friends asked me to go out as well on saturday, i just no longer feel like it. i just wanna stay home this weekend or maybe forever.

i feel like blasting everything out at someone? some thing? but i guess i'm doing it here. so here goes..
i have no idea why someone would wanna change course after 1 whole freaking year of studying the current course they taking, if the course is like 3 years then you change i still can understand but NO~~ the course is only one year plus, so means theres only a few more months to go till you actually sit for the external UK exam and get your diploma. if you pass your accounting and 2 other subject, then you will get a diploma in accounting but if you dont actually pass your accounting since okay fine, we know you're not good at it, you can still take another subject pass it and get a diploma in business studies. i was like.. what the fuck are you thinking in your messed up twisted mind, manipulated by your parents. the external paper is in june, and your intake for your new college is in may. just one month difference wei, yeah! you heard me right, just one fucking month! did i mention that this friend of mine paid about RM700 for the external exam? and you know what he said when i asked him about it, he just say 'i guess it's my loss then' i was like.. are you fucking kidding me? like seriously are you fucking me?! it's my loss then? thats the best you can come up with? and now, you wanna take the internal finals but you dont wanna come for class until then. he stopped coming to class already since he decided to 'change course'. do you think the finals is like a piece of cake? you barely made it thought mid terms and such, and now you dont wanna come to class. i tried to talk to you, you dont wanna listen, fine! dont coming to me saying i'm scared of the exam and all.

i feel really mood-less now.. and i feel like really just hiding at home. i think i would start to cut down on my "extracurricular activity" and focus on my studies. and i think it's a pattern for me, to just stay home and not go out. it's a phase that keeps repeating and repeating itself. so dear friends, understand if i reject going out. thats all i can say for now.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

like fucking seriously?! okay fine, you wanna borrow my notes? okay fine, take it. but you take my whole fucking stack of notes which i filed up and you photostat it!? like from the cover page that I MADE! till the last fucking irrelevant page? are you kidding me? now the whole class knows i file my stuff, and they wanna borrow it. and you know what they do with it? THEY PHOTOSTAT IT AGAIN!! okay, we kinda have different books, so i file my notes and exercises up according to the book, you took 2 of it the last time. AND NOW, YOU WANT ANOTHER FUCKING 3 OF THEM?! are you fucking me? like seriously bitch.. you just text me and expect me to hand them over just like that?! dream on~! it's not that i'm selfish and dont wanna help you. work for it! dont expect me to just spoon feed you again! you start skipping class, you like you come, you dont like you dont come and end of the day you fucking photostat my notes? NO WAY BITCH! at least you copy it i wont be so pissed! you ask me how to do it or something.. i'll be more than glad to teach you.. once is fine, but now the second time?! whatever you're asking for is like HALF A YEAR's WORK!? MY HARDWORK BITCH!

i'm taking LCCI and for the exams they give prizes to those that do really well. like for each subject there are prizes for the country and the world. and one of my seniors took WORLD GOLD for 2 subject and WORLD SILVER for one.. she literally dominated 3 prizes out of 10, i guess. Around the whole world, theres like 500,000 candidates taking the exam. so it became a hit topic around college. and today~ you know what the fuck happened? my principal and teacher came to my class, and the teacher was pointing me out to the principal. i'm sure they're talking about "potential students". you much be thinking, don't be so er.. perasan? casey, it might not be you, it might be the person behind you. oh believe me, i thought about that too.. i looked back.. but no~ that teacher opened the door, fucking shout my name out loud and ask me to raise my hand.. so do you think it's just me? oh, you think they would be talking about something else huh? i thought so too until they opened the door and i could hear what they talking about.. (the teachers office if right outside my room). do you know how pressuring it is when people expect you to the best of the best and have this aim for you while you dont even think you can do it. okay maybe a little.. not world maybe country.. but still! i sat there thinking what should i do to make it happen. like what? er, stop st. john and focus on my studies? stop going out so much? like study! study! study! i'm still considering it.. honestly.. if i want to be THE BEST of the best, i really need to set my priorities straight. i'm not talking about getting straight A's in spm, pmr.. it's not like that.. it's like aiming to get THE TOP FUCKING STUDENT IN MALAYSIA! but in this case, the aim is to be ONE OF THE TOP STUDENTS IN THE WORLD! it's like competiting against Hong Kong, UK er.. Singapore i guess.. cant think of much.. if you wanna know, google LCCI. honestly, do you think it's easy? you need to have a perfect score, i mean 100 out of 100 to be WORLD GOLD, and around 99 to be WORLD SILVER. oh, and that was my story of 'expectation part 1' and now here is 'expectation part 2'. i was having extra class today, and we were in 2 classes conducted together. and my principal was still talking about this topic, he said he have expectations for 2 students, one is the other room one is my room, both guys. and do you know how many guys were there in my room? er.. i would say, less than 10, and honestly, i have a feeling it's me.

i know what i've blog in this post like really outrageous, like stop being a self centered bitch casey.. i don't really care what you think, okay? i'm fucking pissed now, it's my blog, i can fucking write whatever i want on it. read it if you want to, dont read it if you dont want to. read my typing.. I-DONT-FUCKING-CARE!