Love Yourself

Dear Casey,

This is a note to yourself: you are strong, you will be okay. No matter how bleak the whole situation may seem, you will get through this and come out stronger than ever. You have great friends and family around that care and support you very much, they are gonna be there to pick you up when you come crashing down. Have faith and believe in that, believe in yourself.

Everyone has been telling you things that you already know, you know that you need to learn to love yourself, you need to learn to put yourself first and work on yourself and not just pour everything in your relationship, relationships ain't everything. You always turn to relationships to keep you safe and secure, you always look to relationships as the beacon of hope in your life, you depend on them to be there for you, you depend on them to help you with your troubles. It's time you learn to focus on yourself and to deal with your own troubles or else you'll never grow. You always think you are more mature than people your age but in fact, you are not, you tend to shy away from your trouble, you always hide behind someone else in hope that they will help you solve your problems. This in turns destroys your relationship as you are too dependent on someone else for your happiness and security. The same cycle repeats in every relationship, you'll end up in the same predicament over and over again unless you actually learn from your past and do something about it.

It's okay to put yourself first, it's okay to love yourself,  you are important and it's okay to be selfish. Work on yourself, it's about you, it's always been about you. Don't belittle yourself just to accommodate others in your life, don't depreciate your self-worth. You are so afraid of being left behind and having people walk out your life, that you claw onto them and beg them desperately to stay, compromising on your values and putting yourself down over and over for a temporary fix. Learn to value yourself highly, and believe that people should want to be in your life for the person that you are and not the person they wish for you to be.

It's not wrong to be in a relationship, you are not selfish for wanting both, you can have both but just don't compromise blindly for the sake of a relationship. You've tried your best to save this relationship, you did, you really did, you need to accept that you've done everything in your power but if at the end of the day, if he is not willing to carry on, there's nothing you can do, it's beyond you. You can only accept it and move on. It's not your fault, there's no rights and wrongs and there's no reason to blame yourself for it.

Only when you learn to love yourself that you will be capable of loving someone else. This is gonna be a slow, long and hard journey. You will suffer, you will feel pain, you will struggle, you will wanna give up. But remember at the end of every tunnel, there will always be light. You will get there eventually, have faith and believe.

Love,
Casey

Struggling with Insecurities

This is not the first time that I talked about insecurities on my blog. I've always struggled with insecurity my whole life, the feeling that I don't belong, the feeling that I'm secondary, the feeling that I'm disposal and unimportant. There's always been ups and downs, for the most part, I've been feeling alright for the past few years, it's been a while since I've felt so insecure with myself, I've been doubting myself a lot lately, constantly questioning my self-worth. I've spoken to people about it to the point where I feel like I'm just a burden to the people around me, I know that there are always people around me that will care, but I'm just at the stage where I'm feeling awfully helpless and tired of talking about my own feelings. Again, I'm drowning in my own sorrow, a feeling that I'm way too familiar with, it's that old friend that I haven't had around for years. I'm aware that my own sanity and security shouldn't fall to other people's hand, it shouldn't be other people's responsibility to lift me up in life and it's not their responsibility to provide me with the security and safety in life. However, in actual fact, it's just hard to do that by myself when I'm feeling so emotionally compromised. I'm just caught between doing the right thing and my feeling at the moment.

I honestly don't know how long is this cycle gonna last. I know that eventually, I'll be alright, but at what cost? that's the question. How many people truly understand and accept what I'm feeling emotionally now, would people just think that I'm overthinking and shoot me down for it? that's something that I worry about, I'm asking myself "maybe I'm just making this too big of a deal than it really is? maybe I should just swallow it all down and maybe it'll be alright?" For the moment, I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I'm okay even though I know that I'm not. I'm keeping people at arm's length, I just don't know how to face people at the moment, I don't want people to feel like "oh there he goes again" I would probably feel that way about myself. This is also probably one of my own defence mechanism, where it's easier to just push people away, and when they eventually leave, I'll at least braced for it. I'll be able to convince myself that I knew this day is gonna come and it might hurt less when that day comes.

Writing this is probably a cry for help, hoping that someone would be willing to tell me that it's gonna be okay and that they would stick around even when I don't believe that. But unfortunately, I don't think anyone is gonna see this, I'll just end up wallowing in my own sorrow.

7 Years Later

It's been 7 years since I last wrote on this blog, a lot has changed since. I've grown older, I'm in another relationship with someone else, I'm pursuing my studies in a degree program and I've made career changes. These are all things beyond my expectations, things that I didn't think were possible 7 years ago. Reading back at the old post I've made in this blog, I was such a different person then, I was childish, emotional and depressed, things that mattered so much then didn't seem to matter at all now. I wished I was there to tell my younger self that, that everything is gonna be okay, that one day you'll be fine, you'll actually be fine in life. 

I wouldn't say that I'm optimistic now but I try to stay hopeful, the emotions are still there, still emotional but more contained than I used to be. Looking back, I can see that I've been very depressed in my teenage years, I shut the world out of my life most of the time. I didn't believe that I have people around me that cared about me, I cling onto things for the sake of security. And I know I've come a long way since. 

I found the courage to move on from my previous relationship, to pick myself up from that. I found the courage to pursue my studies, something that I avoided for so long. A topic that wouldn't even discuss without shutting myself down, without doubting my self-worth. I'm glad that I found the courage over the years to do all these. The old me wouldn't have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm also blessed and privileged to be a wonderful support system around me. Through tough times, I come to realise that there are people around me that genuinely cared for my wellbeing. This is also something that struggled with since my teenage years, I've always felt so helpless, never believing that anyone cared. 

So now, at the age of 28, I can say that I'm doing okay, my views on life aren't as grey as it used to be. Even when I doubt myself, deep down I know that I'm capable of getting through it, no matter how painful it is. I just need to start believing in myself more, that I'm worth something.   

21? Really?

It's like yes, you're no longer a kid when you reach 21, but what? you expect me to miraculously grow up in one night? start acting all mature and "be an adult"? really? i've asked people whats the big deal about being 21? and trust me, i got some quite ridiculous answers.. but in the end yes i'm 21, so just give me a break and stop using that against me.

Milestone in life

I'm officially 21 now. It didnt seem like a big deal to me before, but when the moment hits, when the clock finally hits 12am, it meant something to me. I told myself "casey, you're 21 now" it probably sounds ridiculous but it kinda marked this day in my life, i'm no longer a kid now. And thanks to my dear friends, i looked back and realise that yeah, i've been through all the ups and downs and i know theres more to come but i've survived this long, and i'll try to continue to strive and maybe one day, i'll mark it as that one special day in my life again. i dunno if these make sense to you, but maybe 10 years from now, i'll look back at this post and see how different i once were.
Cheers.

Why Are You My Clarity

I think all of us have our cycles, there will be this one period of time where you just don't wanna deal with people, you just need to go into that box where you just "cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in". I think I'm there again, I somewhat stopped communicating with people much, I kinda rather be left alone at times. It's normal right? At least I think all of us will go through that, correct me if I'm wrong. But the thing is, Alex is my exception, probably cause I've became so comfortable around him, he became my box. It's like I can do what I want, just be me and not having to put up a happy face and act like everything in my life is okay and just really escape life. And I know I've been complaining too much lately, I feel like a fricking brat now sitting here typing this, but that's just me.. Oh btw, I absolutely hate people that shakes their head at me as if I'm some bloody spoiled brat. Anyways, just bear with me for this period okay? I'm saying this to people around me that I actually care about. And to some ridiculous people that won't leave my life alone, really? like really? stop bugging me if you just want to use me to achieve something for your own benefit. Please, I'm really not that stupid, so just leave me alone. Doubt they will see this post but I'm saying it anyways. Btw, I would like to rant about how my clients are really ridiculous, but one manage to push me to the point where I just lost it and yell over the phone. I don't think I've ever done that before since I've started working in this firm. Like really, some common sense la, I'm not your bloody slave, you do your part and I'll do mine, don't make it my fault just because you're incompetent.

And just an additional, I feel as though my family wont accept me for who I am. Probably this is really naive, like really naive, but I want Alex to be part of my family, to live our life together. I've been thinking about telling my family about it, but there's no where to start. And I still can't find the courage to do that. I used to think that things will definitely work out, but due to recent events, I've changed my opinion on things.

Cheers ya'll.

I Was Once A Stupid Naive Kid

I just read back one of my old post, and my reaction was "I cant believe I was so naive" Okay, probably I didn't wanna offend anyone back then but when I read back to post like those, I'm like why did I even bother concealing facts and rephrasing sentences as though I sound nice. Probably I've grown up from being that stupid naive kid that didn't wanna make things bad but I feel like I stopped caring, sometimes it's easier to just tell the truth. Truth hurts, but at least it's true rather then having people tell you lies, isn't that right?

24th March, Here We Go Again

I totally have no idea what to put the title as.. probably because I always rant about the same thing so I just don't wanna repeat the title. So yeah, here I am again talking about life and all its challenges and obstacles. Today I suppose I was quite moody, I was slightly upset, sometimes I feel as though my relationship with Alex is somewhat one sided, I feel as though I need him more than he needs me. But in the end, we're okay.. I mean you'll never find that one perfect person that fulfill all your requirements, that person will never exist. In a relationship you just have to tolerate and accept each others flaws and short comings, people say that if the person loves you he'll accept you for who you are, yeah probably that's true but for me, I believe if you really love that person you would try to somewhat learn to accept it. No one is perfect, I was never out to look for that perfect man, just someone that would love me and accept my flaws. HAHA! which I think would be quite a list. And I shall not start counting them out here. Just don't let go of the person you love, sometimes it's just bumps that both parties need to face together and solve it. oh well... moving on..

Here's another common topic that I always rant about, my future.. haha! honestly, I too realised that I've been going on and on about my future all the time, but what to do? every young adult (I label myself as young adult, at most! sometimes even teen) would go through what I go through I suppose. It's this stage where all of us need to decide what we really want for ourselves and how we are gonna achieve it. Probably most of us already have our goals set out for us, it's just the matter of achieving it. For me, I'm still debating with myself whether this is really what I wanna do for the rest of my life. To be an accountant and do a desk job forever, my colleagues tell me that I would be a good stand up comedian due to all my stupid cold jokes. But here I am stuck doing this, I've once complaint to a friend whether this line of work is suitable for me or not, and he told that if I don't like it I would go study something else, but I told him that it's too late. I'm already in too deep, but when I really think about it, I'm merely 21 years old (not officially, but I'm getting there) and to think that I've been working for almost 2 years already, it's when you're out in the real world that you know you're no longer a kid with the privilege of just focusing on studies and nothing else. When you face the real world, you know how hard it is to be working a full time job and coping with part time studies. And honestly, I'm not doing a very good job at that. Sometimes, I feel as though Alex doesn't understand but I know he wants the best for me. And yes, I know I'm not putting 100% into my studies, it's like after a long day of work you need to rush to class for 3 to 4 hours and you get home about 10.45pm ish you just tend to lose the will to study after all that. And like honestly, I was never the hard working kid, probably NEVER is a strong word, it's just that I'm not motivated to study. I enjoyed my LCCI days because I was so motivated to be the best, I wanted to be top of my class, top of the entire school/college (depends how you see it) anyways, yes I had that kick last time, but now I'm like barely passing my exams, I'm not motivated to study after a long day of work, when I have free time, I rather use it to entertain myself like sitting in front of the computer watching anime, going out and such.  Where is happening to me? I once told my friends "Don't let me stop studying" because back then I've heard so many people stopped pursuing ACCA and drop out halfway, I told myself that I would never ever let myself do that. But now, I'm not convince that I can uphold that promise until the very end. I'm scared that one day I'm gonna let go and whats gonna be left for me? Since young, I know how hard my parents had to work to put food on the table, kinda.. so I told myself I'm not gonna be like my parents, I want a good life for myself, but it's really not that easy. I wanted a life that I don't need to worry about money, a stable income, a stable life. Probably not an extravagant lifestyle but at least a stable and comfortable one. In a way, I always find that those rather pampered kids that gets what they want all the time, they really don't understand what it means to struggle with money, it's like they don't understand the value of money. I've seen too many growing up, in a way you can say I envy them but in a way I'm also proud to say that I'm above them. Yes, I mean my parents buy me stuff too, but I'm proud to say that I bought my own phones and gadgets growing up, I paid for my own college fees and kinda supported myself in life.

In the end, it's so hard to be a 21 year old that needs to worry about life, I keep saying that I need a break but honestly.. I know I'm just asking too much. Deep inside, I know I don't deserve it. I'm not working hard enough at work, I'm not studying hard enough and yet sometimes I feel so stressed out, I wake up everyday and the first thing that runs through my mind would be what do I need to accomplish today? So yeah, why do I need breaks? I know I dont deserve it but yet I want it. haha.. This whole thing is me debating with myself, it's like I'm arguing on both sides. I feel so ridiculous now.. Can someone just save me from all these? It's like how you see in those movies or fairy tales, where there'll always be someone to save you.. But it really sucks to know that reality is totally different from fairy tales. You don't always get your happy endings..

Meaningless Weekends

When you reach one point where there's just nothing to forward to in life, what do you do? I mean, whats stopping me from ending my life? I just realised that, I would look forward to the weekends but when the weekend comes it'll just be like any other weekend, same routine, i keep thinking that i'll do something different this weekend, try to do this and that but it'll just turn out to be the same, it's so meaningless, life is so meaningless actually. I don't accomplish anything during the weekend, i don't accomplish anything during work and studies, I practically stopped accomplishing anything in life. I wish i could see life full of colours and joy but in reality what have life been giving me?

Can I Let Myself Crumble?

For the past week or so, I've been feeling quite lost with my life, I just dunno what I want anymore. I just really don't, i have no sense of direction, i used to be so sure that i enjoy doing accounts, i'm gonna be a successful accountant someday but that's no longer the fact. I have no sense of accomplishment at work, i don't feel happy at all. Its like i'm just passing my days as it goes, i feel like my life is just slipping pass me with no purpose. My time with alex makes me forget that i have to deal with all these, when i was in Penang with alex i'm truly happy because i just dont need to think about work and studies and enjoy the weekend with him, i wanna stay in that moment, but unfortunately i cant. I feel so tired of holding myself together, i wanna just crumble, and let everything out. I feel like no one understands me, i feel like alex doesnt understand where i'm coming from, he wants the best for me, i know he is right in so many ways but i feel like thats not what i want. For many years i strongly believe that we should never let our parents decide what we should do for our future, what we should study or what we shouldn't, it's gonna be my life and not theirs. I wanna do something that i'm happy with and not something that i'm gonna look back 20 years from now and regret my decision. i really know that this job i have is not something that i'm gonna do for a living, i hate doing what i do everyday. I wanna do something that i'm passionate about, i wanna do something that i enjoy doing and look forward to doing everyday. Alex asked me what would that be? i couldnt answer that cause i really have no idea. I need some directions, or perhaps i should say i need someone to tell me something that i wanna hear.. I have all these thoughts going through my head that i wanna let it all out, but i dunno how, i want someone to talk to, but i dunno who..

After so long

I haven't written on my blog for so long, but here I am blogging once again. So here goes.. I guess I need to find something to do with my spare time, I need to stop wasting time in front of the computer, I've been spending my weekdays after work, just sitting in front of the computer, waiting for time to pass.. I really feel so useless doing that. I feel like I need a holiday, just to start over in life, my career is not going anywhere, my studies is not going anywhere. I don't even know what to blog about now, there's so much to say but it's so hard to say it all out. Behind every word, there's always consequences. I hope to spend more time with Alex, but I don't wanna push him, sometimes weekdays without him is just so hard to get by. He says I'll be fine, but sometimes it's just so hard. Last week I was out with the gang for 2 nights, it was fun, feel like we haven't been doing that for awhile.. Sigh. I feel so lost in life, so aimless but there are few things that I'm certain about, I need to keep studying, I know Alex means alot to me in my life, I know my friends means alot to me in my life as well. There are people that you know you would wanna have around in your life forever, I know who they are, but the problem is, will that always be the same? or will we be going our separate ways one days, and all we've been through together just being part of our memories? I don't wanna think about that, I just don't. And at work, I feel like I've been slacking alot, there are some things/work that I just don't wanna face, I feel so malas to layan. Life is full of problems, I just wish I could runaway from all of it. Perhaps I'm being naive, I hope my life would have a happy ending.

I know my blog might be all over the place, but I'm just saying what comes to my mind. 

I'm Throwing It Away

i'm in a mess right now.. i'm throwing my studies out the window. i seriously am. i haven been studying, my exam is tomorrow. i just couldnt make myself study, i really dunno whats up with me. i think i really need a break from my studies, to cool down. it's hard coping your work and your studies. it really is. this never happened before..

He's Busy

Everything seems different, alex is like suddenly so busy. i just.. it's hard. when i got into the car today after class, i saw him on his laptop in the car, it kinda broke my heart, everything changed so fast, he became so busy all of a sudden. he barely have time to reply my text and hence, i kinda gave up bothering him during work. *starts tearing somewhere about here* maybe i'm being over clingy, but i'm not used to this. i know i cant expect him to be there for me all the time, talk to me all the time, but things just changed too fast and it's taking a toll on me. i know alex will most probably be depress after reading this but i cant make myself to tell alex all these in person or run to teri neither. do you even get that feeling that you have so much to say in your mind but you just dunno how to put it out into words? thats exactly how i feel now. alex is gonna be going to singapore for a week, and working on the saturdays. i thought i'm over and done with the singapore issue, but everytime alex mentions singapore it reminds me that he's gonna be gone for a week. and i just found out that he's leaving on a public holiday, coming back on a friday, working on the saturday after that. i know alex is like tired also after a whole day of work, traveling here and there. sighhh.. i feel like i'm about to burst, i really dunno how to say whats on my mind. i'm breaking down. :'(


ps : i dunno if alex still reads my blog, or if he have the time to, or if he still remember about my blog. but i kinda hope he does.

Here I Am Again

here i am again, in the middle of the night, thinking about stuff (which normally isn't a good thing). i'm just kinda stressed out about life, work, studies and all. i don't wanna make any decisions, it's like one decision will lead to another and another, but there's just so many decisions to make, i guess that's what life is all about..

I feel like the only time where i can run away from all these is when i'm with alex, or with the gang. Being with them takes all the sucky part of life away, it's just this brief lapse where you run away but eventually will have to come back to reality. Thats what i keep saying but i believe it's true. i'm just stressed out.. i kinda hope alex would come to my rescue now, but i'm sure he's soundly asleep in his bed.

i miss being in secondary school, where you don't need to worry much about life and just focus on the one thing that students do - study, but now although i'm a student, it's different, i need to worry about work and what life is throwing at my face. i would tell the secondary school kids that are still studying to enjoy the moment, have fun and all. i'd think one thing that seriously helps when you're stress is to go to sleep, you'll wake up feeling better, and thats what i'm gonna do now. sleep!

Day After 11.11.11

i just had this horribly long day, woke up for st. john, left home at 9 ish then came home at around 10 ish at night, damn tired, seriously tired and aching all over. the aching was very bad, like seriously god damn fucking pain, i couldn't even eat my dinner properly. but i would say spending the day with everyone at st. john HQ is quite fun, learning stuff and all just the pain was killing me. and yeah, having dinner with gang was good too, like so long didn't sit down together already.

and you know, i wanted to talk to my boyfriend after such a long day and just have a nice conversation with him but it didn't work out that way. i dunno, i was kinda upset with what he said to me.. i would blast every god damn thing that i wanna say about it out here but i know he would be reading this someday sooner or later and i shall not do that, i'll just keep it to myself. hmmm, yeah, i'm upset and kinda pissed when i was typing this here now. so yeah.. i'm just gonna go to bed and just cool down.

Note to friends

dear friends,

i would like to sincerely apologise for ditching you guys some times, i know i've been doing that a lot lately. i'm sorry. i won't say anything to make me seem less of a bad friend because it's just gonna be bullshit if i do. i just feel like i dont have enough time to use, working and studying is kinda tiring. i know that, when i have spare time, i've been spending most of it with alex. i really dont mean to ditch you guys, i will try to come out to meet you guys more. :)


ps : alex, dont say anything about this post.

19th September 2011

i felt so tired of everything today, and also slightly lonely i guess. partly because i was so busy with work today, i just felt like talking to someone but yeah.. my phone was so quiet today, i barely had any text. 

when he came to pick me up just now, i wanted to spend more time with him but i just didnt tell him and it was just a simple drive home. so here i am, 40 minutes after i got home, sitting in front of my computer blogging.

First Relationship

being in a relationship with someone else is something i've kinda always wanted, and now it did, but i didnt expect it to happen, i didnt expect myself to really be in a relationship with someone else. not that i'm complaining or anything, it's just that i cant believe this is real. i've always been the sucky lovey dovey type, i've always had this "ideal relationship" playing in my head such as boyfriend pick up after work, head over to his place, he cooks dinner, spend the night at his place. the ironic part of that is.. it's actually happening. it's no longer a fantasy, it's now reality.

i enjoy spending time with him, but the problem is i dont wanna be too clingy with him. i've done that before, it doesnt end well, thats for one, and the other reason is because it's like being someone else. i want me to be the rational self rather than the love stuck clingy casey. he keeps telling me he doesnt mind me being clingy, in fact he likes me being clingy but i really dont wanna be that casey. but now, i just feel so love stuck. i used to be emotional because i want to be with that special someone, but now it's still i want to be with that special someone just that it's in a different way. ahhh~ the irony of everything..

it's hard to tell if a relationship will go or not, but i hope this one does. he keeps saying it's my first relationship and i'm just exploring and such. yes, that may be true, it's my first relationship but i feel like he's everything i wanted. but in the end, nothing is certain, we'll see how it goes.

Diploma in Accounting

i passed my LCCI with 3 Distinctions out of all 3 subject. if i were to say, i didnt feel anything, would you believe me? i didnt feel excited, afraid, nervous, anxious, nothing at all. it's just like oh okay. i feel so fake. and when i told my family, it's not like they care also, so whats the point? actually, theres lots more to be told, but i just dont feel like saying..

My Desire, My Dream

I just came back from uk today. A lot has happened since the day i step foot out of malaysia and venture into england (15 june 2011), My views changed, my life changed. I saw and lived different lifestyle from the one i lived for the past 18 years of my life. Its a brand new experience, one that is meant to be kept. It really breaks my heart that i had to leave and come back to reality. Here i am 4.10am in malaysia on my bed, writing a blog on my ipod about how i wanna go back to uk, stay there and live the life that i admired people to have. Many people asked me hows my trip, i tell them "it's okay, it's good" but the honest truth is it was amazing! It was the time of my life! Its the "great escape" or what i refer to as the "bubble", a place where i could escape reality and not care about anything. I finally went into the bubble for the past 6 weeks, leaving this life here in malaysia was the best thing that happened to me, and now that my buble is gone, i just feel so lost and depress. Hence this post at 4.23am. I told myself that im gonna go work in the uk someday. I wannago back to uk. :'(