I'm Throwing It Away

i'm in a mess right now.. i'm throwing my studies out the window. i seriously am. i haven been studying, my exam is tomorrow. i just couldnt make myself study, i really dunno whats up with me. i think i really need a break from my studies, to cool down. it's hard coping your work and your studies. it really is. this never happened before..

He's Busy

Everything seems different, alex is like suddenly so busy. i just.. it's hard. when i got into the car today after class, i saw him on his laptop in the car, it kinda broke my heart, everything changed so fast, he became so busy all of a sudden. he barely have time to reply my text and hence, i kinda gave up bothering him during work. *starts tearing somewhere about here* maybe i'm being over clingy, but i'm not used to this. i know i cant expect him to be there for me all the time, talk to me all the time, but things just changed too fast and it's taking a toll on me. i know alex will most probably be depress after reading this but i cant make myself to tell alex all these in person or run to teri neither. do you even get that feeling that you have so much to say in your mind but you just dunno how to put it out into words? thats exactly how i feel now. alex is gonna be going to singapore for a week, and working on the saturdays. i thought i'm over and done with the singapore issue, but everytime alex mentions singapore it reminds me that he's gonna be gone for a week. and i just found out that he's leaving on a public holiday, coming back on a friday, working on the saturday after that. i know alex is like tired also after a whole day of work, traveling here and there. sighhh.. i feel like i'm about to burst, i really dunno how to say whats on my mind. i'm breaking down. :'(


ps : i dunno if alex still reads my blog, or if he have the time to, or if he still remember about my blog. but i kinda hope he does.

Here I Am Again

here i am again, in the middle of the night, thinking about stuff (which normally isn't a good thing). i'm just kinda stressed out about life, work, studies and all. i don't wanna make any decisions, it's like one decision will lead to another and another, but there's just so many decisions to make, i guess that's what life is all about..

I feel like the only time where i can run away from all these is when i'm with alex, or with the gang. Being with them takes all the sucky part of life away, it's just this brief lapse where you run away but eventually will have to come back to reality. Thats what i keep saying but i believe it's true. i'm just stressed out.. i kinda hope alex would come to my rescue now, but i'm sure he's soundly asleep in his bed.

i miss being in secondary school, where you don't need to worry much about life and just focus on the one thing that students do - study, but now although i'm a student, it's different, i need to worry about work and what life is throwing at my face. i would tell the secondary school kids that are still studying to enjoy the moment, have fun and all. i'd think one thing that seriously helps when you're stress is to go to sleep, you'll wake up feeling better, and thats what i'm gonna do now. sleep!

Day After 11.11.11

i just had this horribly long day, woke up for st. john, left home at 9 ish then came home at around 10 ish at night, damn tired, seriously tired and aching all over. the aching was very bad, like seriously god damn fucking pain, i couldn't even eat my dinner properly. but i would say spending the day with everyone at st. john HQ is quite fun, learning stuff and all just the pain was killing me. and yeah, having dinner with gang was good too, like so long didn't sit down together already.

and you know, i wanted to talk to my boyfriend after such a long day and just have a nice conversation with him but it didn't work out that way. i dunno, i was kinda upset with what he said to me.. i would blast every god damn thing that i wanna say about it out here but i know he would be reading this someday sooner or later and i shall not do that, i'll just keep it to myself. hmmm, yeah, i'm upset and kinda pissed when i was typing this here now. so yeah.. i'm just gonna go to bed and just cool down.

Note to friends

dear friends,

i would like to sincerely apologise for ditching you guys some times, i know i've been doing that a lot lately. i'm sorry. i won't say anything to make me seem less of a bad friend because it's just gonna be bullshit if i do. i just feel like i dont have enough time to use, working and studying is kinda tiring. i know that, when i have spare time, i've been spending most of it with alex. i really dont mean to ditch you guys, i will try to come out to meet you guys more. :)


ps : alex, dont say anything about this post.

19th September 2011

i felt so tired of everything today, and also slightly lonely i guess. partly because i was so busy with work today, i just felt like talking to someone but yeah.. my phone was so quiet today, i barely had any text. 

when he came to pick me up just now, i wanted to spend more time with him but i just didnt tell him and it was just a simple drive home. so here i am, 40 minutes after i got home, sitting in front of my computer blogging.

First Relationship

being in a relationship with someone else is something i've kinda always wanted, and now it did, but i didnt expect it to happen, i didnt expect myself to really be in a relationship with someone else. not that i'm complaining or anything, it's just that i cant believe this is real. i've always been the sucky lovey dovey type, i've always had this "ideal relationship" playing in my head such as boyfriend pick up after work, head over to his place, he cooks dinner, spend the night at his place. the ironic part of that is.. it's actually happening. it's no longer a fantasy, it's now reality.

i enjoy spending time with him, but the problem is i dont wanna be too clingy with him. i've done that before, it doesnt end well, thats for one, and the other reason is because it's like being someone else. i want me to be the rational self rather than the love stuck clingy casey. he keeps telling me he doesnt mind me being clingy, in fact he likes me being clingy but i really dont wanna be that casey. but now, i just feel so love stuck. i used to be emotional because i want to be with that special someone, but now it's still i want to be with that special someone just that it's in a different way. ahhh~ the irony of everything..

it's hard to tell if a relationship will go or not, but i hope this one does. he keeps saying it's my first relationship and i'm just exploring and such. yes, that may be true, it's my first relationship but i feel like he's everything i wanted. but in the end, nothing is certain, we'll see how it goes.

Diploma in Accounting

i passed my LCCI with 3 Distinctions out of all 3 subject. if i were to say, i didnt feel anything, would you believe me? i didnt feel excited, afraid, nervous, anxious, nothing at all. it's just like oh okay. i feel so fake. and when i told my family, it's not like they care also, so whats the point? actually, theres lots more to be told, but i just dont feel like saying..