Choosing Paths

i guess everyone will eventually have to choose their own path in life after they graduate from high school, where you wanna study? what course you wanna take? and such. i wouldn't say that my path in life was a hard one, i guess it was right there in front of my all along, and i just started walking but honestly, i dunno if this is the path i wanna walk for the rest of my life. okay before i start going deeper into my future, what i wanna blog about today is more focus on the present.

a classmate of mine told me about certain issues, and it kinda made me hesitate about my initial choice in life. somewhere along the way in taking lcci, i decided that i would study part-time and work at the same time to support myself, and well gain experience and all. this friend of mine told me that from what she heard from our seniors it's hard to work and study at the same time and all, it's really tiring. it made me realise that yea, it would be really tired that after working i still need to go to classes. she said better to focus on studying first, but the problem is.. i dont have that kind of funding to go study without working, so i'm currently stuck deciding, i got 2 more months till i graduate and all.

yesterday night, when talking to pui yee, it also got me thinking can i actually work and study? it's a tough decision to make. i dont wanna end up not getting anything at all.. not finishing acca and such.

Unsatisfied

if you see this from a third person's point of view, it's considered very well done. but in my point of view, i'm not satisfied with what i got (i'm not even that sure what marks i got) i know part of my marks, and it's suppose to be really high, but i'm not happy with it. i made really stupid mistakes and i'm not proud of it. honestly, i didnt set a bar for myself in this exam, but i just feel like i didnt do as good as i hoped for, or maybe i did and i'm just not happy that someone got the same marks that i did. to me, it's not enough. i know i'm asking for perfection, but isnt that what everyone wants? PERFECTION.

Pressure

this feels like spm all over again, the pressure of studying, the pressure of not knowing what will happen, did i study enough and such. i mean, it's just an internal final, i wonder why do i even do this to myself, i guess i just dont like the feeling of loosing. it's like a marathon, you cant see anyone around you, you're running alone, you have no clue if there is anyone in front of you, the only thing you can do is to run faster to out run the others, not knowing if there are others already at the finish line.

so yeah, thats more or less what i'm going through now, i cant wait till this finals is over, i wanna go out! then after that only go back to study mode for the remaining 2 months.

Constellation

a group of friends is like a constellation, this big pattern made up of different stars. one star would just be a normal bright star in the night sky, but when a group of stars come together, it's a whole different story. i particularly like Orion cause the name is really cool, and also how the 3 stars outshines the rest. it's not about who outshining who, it's about what you can achieve by working together to form something bigger than yourself. i always wanted the be part of Orion's belt, but now i just feel like being the dimmest star in the constellation, sometimes i appear and sometimes i dont, but i'm still part of this constellation.

p/s : the last post was my 50th post on this blog!

Slacking

i dont think i can afford to slack anymore, but i know i still would. i'm scared! i'm really really scared! i feel like i'm still not at 'that' level yet. people around me is already chasing up to me, and i feel like i'm still standing still. honestly, i've never had people having high expectations of me, it's always me having high expectations for myself. and this time, people's expectation are higher than mine, and it's really stressful to keep up to people expectations. i know i've blog about this before, but it's just that, yea.. i feel the same. but this week been good, i've been kinda pushing myself to do work, normally i slack on monday and tuesday afternoon, but these two days at least i manage to complete my work. i wanna be faster than other people, it's more like i need to be faster and better than other people. i have no idea how i manage to get high marks during exams, because in daily school work, there are people can out run me. and this march exam, it's gonna be a competition, i know other subjects i might not be that good, maybe just an average score. but i need to be good in accounts, as in, i need to be hell good to set that bar high. this may sounds damn cocky, and i wouldnt say i'm THAT cocky, like 'screw him asshole' kind of cocky type of person, but i'm not gonna deny that theres a cocky bitch living in me. everyone is cocky at things that they're good at, or they just act all modest and sincere but actually they feel like 'you better watch out! yo mamma is gonna be so sorry for having you born, bitch!' i'm just saying.. i'm more of option 2 too.

i feel like maybe god is playing me, not that i'm that religious, but things have a way of working out for me. things that i really want, i normally dont get it, but when i feel like it's really hard for me to get it already, i would end up getting it. i'm not talking about materialities, not gadgets or computers or physical stuff. i'm talking about scores, marks, passing stuff, things that i cant predict. i need to be sincere enough, to actually get it. that's more or less what i concluded about my fate.

Totally Awesome

today i went to amcorp mall with dana and sasa, once we left for taman paramount lrt station, it started raining. once we reach taman jaya lrt station, it was raining heavily. i brought my umbrella and dana brought hers to, when sasa opened up dana's black lacey umbrella, sasa and i just started laughing! it's so small~ like seriously only fit one single soul under that umbrella, and so sasa and i shared umbrella and we like made our way across the street to A&W, we were half wet when we reach, and so we bought food and ate at A&W, then not long after we order, we saw hoe yinn and hoe wei and family~ coincidence much! after awhile, we decided to make our way to amcorp mall, once we reach amcorp mall, we like look around the flea market, and we kinda bought ourselves some interesting 'goods' then after that we walked around amcorp mall, looking at clothes and stuff. then we came to this like warehouse sale for clothes, went it, looked around for nice clothes, the clothes isnt bad~ puma's t shirt was really nice! i had some t shirts that i haven worn yet and so i didnt buy anything. but dana and sasa bought tops. we spend quite some time there, and after that we moved on to the book shop. (there were lots of pit stops in between destinations, so we actually went it to many different shops) there were bargain sale going on, cheap books! we looked around for nice books, i myself bought 2 books for RM10, which is really cheap. and dana bought around 6 books, and sasa bought 1. everyone's happy. :) after that we made our way back to the lrt station, but we made a stop at the flea market to pick up some 'goods' that we missed out. after we got back, we drove to look for food, and 'ta pau' it to my house. had dinner after that we watched movies, man kit and chai theng came to join us. then after that we just lepak and all..

i'm really happy la, i hadn't had much fun recently, been really busy with college work. it's good to just spend a day with friends, talk crap and just hang out, shopping. i miss doing that. but i'm really tired from all the walking, i can barely walk up the lrt station stairs. but other than that, it's good. dinner was good too~ haven had mee jawa in awhile. and i think i shall go to sleep, it's already 2am plus. 

note to self : consider re-investing in a pair of nike air max, the most awesome walking shoe's i've own in my life, painless walking, seriously, like i can walk for hours and feel no pain.

Trip To UK

my family decided to go to UK in June, like for a vacation and just take a break. i just got off the phone with my mom, and she was saying that it's expensive and all. i know this trip would cost me a fortune but i really wanna go, i mean for the last 18 years of my life, where have i been to? hong kong? that was when i was like 5 years old, i can barely remember anything now. i do think i deserve this trip for myself, even though it would cost my lots of my savings, but bottom line : it's worth it. i just wanna ship myself off this country and just live another life for 1 month or 2. is that so much to ask for? i mean it's not like i'm making my parents pay for the trip, i would be paying most of it myself but still i do hope they can help me out a little. i wanna see this come true cause it meant a lot to me. and well, i don't wanna be home alone for about 1 month plus rotting at home while my family is on an awesome trip to UK. i hope my parents would understand that.

Fucking Stuck In The Middle

it's like what the fuck la! i stuck in the middle of this whole mess! i swear i'm never gonna be the messenger again la, anything direct to that person straight. seriously, damn tired la! this one tell me one thing, then need to pass, then that one tell me one thing, then need to pass. then got problem, who kena? i kena pulak. it's like seriously! damn shit la! and seriously! i dont even wanna fucking study for the exam! no time la!