I just read back one of my old post, and my reaction was "I cant believe I was so naive" Okay, probably I didn't wanna offend anyone back then but when I read back to post like those, I'm like why did I even bother concealing facts and rephrasing sentences as though I sound nice. Probably I've grown up from being that stupid naive kid that didn't wanna make things bad but I feel like I stopped caring, sometimes it's easier to just tell the truth. Truth hurts, but at least it's true rather then having people tell you lies, isn't that right?
Monday, March 25, 2013
24th March, Here We Go Again
I totally have no idea what to put the title as.. probably because I always rant about the same thing so I just don't wanna repeat the title. So yeah, here I am again talking about life and all its challenges and obstacles. Today I suppose I was quite moody, I was slightly upset, sometimes I feel as though my relationship with Alex is somewhat one sided, I feel as though I need him more than he needs me. But in the end, we're okay.. I mean you'll never find that one perfect person that fulfill all your requirements, that person will never exist. In a relationship you just have to tolerate and accept each others flaws and short comings, people say that if the person loves you he'll accept you for who you are, yeah probably that's true but for me, I believe if you really love that person you would try to somewhat learn to accept it. No one is perfect, I was never out to look for that perfect man, just someone that would love me and accept my flaws. HAHA! which I think would be quite a list. And I shall not start counting them out here. Just don't let go of the person you love, sometimes it's just bumps that both parties need to face together and solve it. oh well... moving on..
Here's another common topic that I always rant about, my future.. haha! honestly, I too realised that I've been going on and on about my future all the time, but what to do? every young adult (I label myself as young adult, at most! sometimes even teen) would go through what I go through I suppose. It's this stage where all of us need to decide what we really want for ourselves and how we are gonna achieve it. Probably most of us already have our goals set out for us, it's just the matter of achieving it. For me, I'm still debating with myself whether this is really what I wanna do for the rest of my life. To be an accountant and do a desk job forever, my colleagues tell me that I would be a good stand up comedian due to all my stupid cold jokes. But here I am stuck doing this, I've once complaint to a friend whether this line of work is suitable for me or not, and he told that if I don't like it I would go study something else, but I told him that it's too late. I'm already in too deep, but when I really think about it, I'm merely 21 years old (not officially, but I'm getting there) and to think that I've been working for almost 2 years already, it's when you're out in the real world that you know you're no longer a kid with the privilege of just focusing on studies and nothing else. When you face the real world, you know how hard it is to be working a full time job and coping with part time studies. And honestly, I'm not doing a very good job at that. Sometimes, I feel as though Alex doesn't understand but I know he wants the best for me. And yes, I know I'm not putting 100% into my studies, it's like after a long day of work you need to rush to class for 3 to 4 hours and you get home about 10.45pm ish you just tend to lose the will to study after all that. And like honestly, I was never the hard working kid, probably NEVER is a strong word, it's just that I'm not motivated to study. I enjoyed my LCCI days because I was so motivated to be the best, I wanted to be top of my class, top of the entire school/college (depends how you see it) anyways, yes I had that kick last time, but now I'm like barely passing my exams, I'm not motivated to study after a long day of work, when I have free time, I rather use it to entertain myself like sitting in front of the computer watching anime, going out and such. Where is happening to me? I once told my friends "Don't let me stop studying" because back then I've heard so many people stopped pursuing ACCA and drop out halfway, I told myself that I would never ever let myself do that. But now, I'm not convince that I can uphold that promise until the very end. I'm scared that one day I'm gonna let go and whats gonna be left for me? Since young, I know how hard my parents had to work to put food on the table, kinda.. so I told myself I'm not gonna be like my parents, I want a good life for myself, but it's really not that easy. I wanted a life that I don't need to worry about money, a stable income, a stable life. Probably not an extravagant lifestyle but at least a stable and comfortable one. In a way, I always find that those rather pampered kids that gets what they want all the time, they really don't understand what it means to struggle with money, it's like they don't understand the value of money. I've seen too many growing up, in a way you can say I envy them but in a way I'm also proud to say that I'm above them. Yes, I mean my parents buy me stuff too, but I'm proud to say that I bought my own phones and gadgets growing up, I paid for my own college fees and kinda supported myself in life.
In the end, it's so hard to be a 21 year old that needs to worry about life, I keep saying that I need a break but honestly.. I know I'm just asking too much. Deep inside, I know I don't deserve it. I'm not working hard enough at work, I'm not studying hard enough and yet sometimes I feel so stressed out, I wake up everyday and the first thing that runs through my mind would be what do I need to accomplish today? So yeah, why do I need breaks? I know I dont deserve it but yet I want it. haha.. This whole thing is me debating with myself, it's like I'm arguing on both sides. I feel so ridiculous now.. Can someone just save me from all these? It's like how you see in those movies or fairy tales, where there'll always be someone to save you.. But it really sucks to know that reality is totally different from fairy tales. You don't always get your happy endings..
Here's another common topic that I always rant about, my future.. haha! honestly, I too realised that I've been going on and on about my future all the time, but what to do? every young adult (I label myself as young adult, at most! sometimes even teen) would go through what I go through I suppose. It's this stage where all of us need to decide what we really want for ourselves and how we are gonna achieve it. Probably most of us already have our goals set out for us, it's just the matter of achieving it. For me, I'm still debating with myself whether this is really what I wanna do for the rest of my life. To be an accountant and do a desk job forever, my colleagues tell me that I would be a good stand up comedian due to all my stupid cold jokes. But here I am stuck doing this, I've once complaint to a friend whether this line of work is suitable for me or not, and he told that if I don't like it I would go study something else, but I told him that it's too late. I'm already in too deep, but when I really think about it, I'm merely 21 years old (not officially, but I'm getting there) and to think that I've been working for almost 2 years already, it's when you're out in the real world that you know you're no longer a kid with the privilege of just focusing on studies and nothing else. When you face the real world, you know how hard it is to be working a full time job and coping with part time studies. And honestly, I'm not doing a very good job at that. Sometimes, I feel as though Alex doesn't understand but I know he wants the best for me. And yes, I know I'm not putting 100% into my studies, it's like after a long day of work you need to rush to class for 3 to 4 hours and you get home about 10.45pm ish you just tend to lose the will to study after all that. And like honestly, I was never the hard working kid, probably NEVER is a strong word, it's just that I'm not motivated to study. I enjoyed my LCCI days because I was so motivated to be the best, I wanted to be top of my class, top of the entire school/college (depends how you see it) anyways, yes I had that kick last time, but now I'm like barely passing my exams, I'm not motivated to study after a long day of work, when I have free time, I rather use it to entertain myself like sitting in front of the computer watching anime, going out and such. Where is happening to me? I once told my friends "Don't let me stop studying" because back then I've heard so many people stopped pursuing ACCA and drop out halfway, I told myself that I would never ever let myself do that. But now, I'm not convince that I can uphold that promise until the very end. I'm scared that one day I'm gonna let go and whats gonna be left for me? Since young, I know how hard my parents had to work to put food on the table, kinda.. so I told myself I'm not gonna be like my parents, I want a good life for myself, but it's really not that easy. I wanted a life that I don't need to worry about money, a stable income, a stable life. Probably not an extravagant lifestyle but at least a stable and comfortable one. In a way, I always find that those rather pampered kids that gets what they want all the time, they really don't understand what it means to struggle with money, it's like they don't understand the value of money. I've seen too many growing up, in a way you can say I envy them but in a way I'm also proud to say that I'm above them. Yes, I mean my parents buy me stuff too, but I'm proud to say that I bought my own phones and gadgets growing up, I paid for my own college fees and kinda supported myself in life.
In the end, it's so hard to be a 21 year old that needs to worry about life, I keep saying that I need a break but honestly.. I know I'm just asking too much. Deep inside, I know I don't deserve it. I'm not working hard enough at work, I'm not studying hard enough and yet sometimes I feel so stressed out, I wake up everyday and the first thing that runs through my mind would be what do I need to accomplish today? So yeah, why do I need breaks? I know I dont deserve it but yet I want it. haha.. This whole thing is me debating with myself, it's like I'm arguing on both sides. I feel so ridiculous now.. Can someone just save me from all these? It's like how you see in those movies or fairy tales, where there'll always be someone to save you.. But it really sucks to know that reality is totally different from fairy tales. You don't always get your happy endings..
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Meaningless Weekends
When you reach one point where there's just nothing to forward to in life, what do you do? I mean, whats stopping me from ending my life? I just realised that, I would look forward to the weekends but when the weekend comes it'll just be like any other weekend, same routine, i keep thinking that i'll do something different this weekend, try to do this and that but it'll just turn out to be the same, it's so meaningless, life is so meaningless actually. I don't accomplish anything during the weekend, i don't accomplish anything during work and studies, I practically stopped accomplishing anything in life. I wish i could see life full of colours and joy but in reality what have life been giving me?
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Can I Let Myself Crumble?
For the past week or so, I've been feeling quite lost with my life, I just dunno what I want anymore. I just really don't, i have no sense of direction, i used to be so sure that i enjoy doing accounts, i'm gonna be a successful accountant someday but that's no longer the fact. I have no sense of accomplishment at work, i don't feel happy at all. Its like i'm just passing my days as it goes, i feel like my life is just slipping pass me with no purpose. My time with alex makes me forget that i have to deal with all these, when i was in Penang with alex i'm truly happy because i just dont need to think about work and studies and enjoy the weekend with him, i wanna stay in that moment, but unfortunately i cant. I feel so tired of holding myself together, i wanna just crumble, and let everything out. I feel like no one understands me, i feel like alex doesnt understand where i'm coming from, he wants the best for me, i know he is right in so many ways but i feel like thats not what i want. For many years i strongly believe that we should never let our parents decide what we should do for our future, what we should study or what we shouldn't, it's gonna be my life and not theirs. I wanna do something that i'm happy with and not something that i'm gonna look back 20 years from now and regret my decision. i really know that this job i have is not something that i'm gonna do for a living, i hate doing what i do everyday. I wanna do something that i'm passionate about, i wanna do something that i enjoy doing and look forward to doing everyday. Alex asked me what would that be? i couldnt answer that cause i really have no idea. I need some directions, or perhaps i should say i need someone to tell me something that i wanna hear.. I have all these thoughts going through my head that i wanna let it all out, but i dunno how, i want someone to talk to, but i dunno who..
Sunday, May 6, 2012
After so long
I haven't written on my blog for so long, but here I am blogging once again. So here goes.. I guess I need to find something to do with my spare time, I need to stop wasting time in front of the computer, I've been spending my weekdays after work, just sitting in front of the computer, waiting for time to pass.. I really feel so useless doing that. I feel like I need a holiday, just to start over in life, my career is not going anywhere, my studies is not going anywhere. I don't even know what to blog about now, there's so much to say but it's so hard to say it all out. Behind every word, there's always consequences. I hope to spend more time with Alex, but I don't wanna push him, sometimes weekdays without him is just so hard to get by. He says I'll be fine, but sometimes it's just so hard. Last week I was out with the gang for 2 nights, it was fun, feel like we haven't been doing that for awhile.. Sigh. I feel so lost in life, so aimless but there are few things that I'm certain about, I need to keep studying, I know Alex means alot to me in my life, I know my friends means alot to me in my life as well. There are people that you know you would wanna have around in your life forever, I know who they are, but the problem is, will that always be the same? or will we be going our separate ways one days, and all we've been through together just being part of our memories? I don't wanna think about that, I just don't. And at work, I feel like I've been slacking alot, there are some things/work that I just don't wanna face, I feel so malas to layan. Life is full of problems, I just wish I could runaway from all of it. Perhaps I'm being naive, I hope my life would have a happy ending.
I know my blog might be all over the place, but I'm just saying what comes to my mind.
I know my blog might be all over the place, but I'm just saying what comes to my mind.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I'm Throwing It Away
i'm in a mess right now.. i'm throwing my studies out the window. i seriously am. i haven been studying, my exam is tomorrow. i just couldnt make myself study, i really dunno whats up with me. i think i really need a break from my studies, to cool down. it's hard coping your work and your studies. it really is. this never happened before..
Thursday, November 24, 2011
He's Busy
Everything seems different, alex is like suddenly so busy. i just.. it's hard. when i got into the car today after class, i saw him on his laptop in the car, it kinda broke my heart, everything changed so fast, he became so busy all of a sudden. he barely have time to reply my text and hence, i kinda gave up bothering him during work. *starts tearing somewhere about here* maybe i'm being over clingy, but i'm not used to this. i know i cant expect him to be there for me all the time, talk to me all the time, but things just changed too fast and it's taking a toll on me. i know alex will most probably be depress after reading this but i cant make myself to tell alex all these in person or run to teri neither. do you even get that feeling that you have so much to say in your mind but you just dunno how to put it out into words? thats exactly how i feel now. alex is gonna be going to singapore for a week, and working on the saturdays. i thought i'm over and done with the singapore issue, but everytime alex mentions singapore it reminds me that he's gonna be gone for a week. and i just found out that he's leaving on a public holiday, coming back on a friday, working on the saturday after that. i know alex is like tired also after a whole day of work, traveling here and there. sighhh.. i feel like i'm about to burst, i really dunno how to say whats on my mind. i'm breaking down. :'(
ps : i dunno if alex still reads my blog, or if he have the time to, or if he still remember about my blog. but i kinda hope he does.
ps : i dunno if alex still reads my blog, or if he have the time to, or if he still remember about my blog. but i kinda hope he does.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Here I Am Again
here i am again, in the middle of the night, thinking about stuff (which normally isn't a good thing). i'm just kinda stressed out about life, work, studies and all. i don't wanna make any decisions, it's like one decision will lead to another and another, but there's just so many decisions to make, i guess that's what life is all about..
I feel like the only time where i can run away from all these is when i'm with alex, or with the gang. Being with them takes all the sucky part of life away, it's just this brief lapse where you run away but eventually will have to come back to reality. Thats what i keep saying but i believe it's true. i'm just stressed out.. i kinda hope alex would come to my rescue now, but i'm sure he's soundly asleep in his bed.
i miss being in secondary school, where you don't need to worry much about life and just focus on the one thing that students do - study, but now although i'm a student, it's different, i need to worry about work and what life is throwing at my face. i would tell the secondary school kids that are still studying to enjoy the moment, have fun and all. i'd think one thing that seriously helps when you're stress is to go to sleep, you'll wake up feeling better, and thats what i'm gonna do now. sleep!
I feel like the only time where i can run away from all these is when i'm with alex, or with the gang. Being with them takes all the sucky part of life away, it's just this brief lapse where you run away but eventually will have to come back to reality. Thats what i keep saying but i believe it's true. i'm just stressed out.. i kinda hope alex would come to my rescue now, but i'm sure he's soundly asleep in his bed.
i miss being in secondary school, where you don't need to worry much about life and just focus on the one thing that students do - study, but now although i'm a student, it's different, i need to worry about work and what life is throwing at my face. i would tell the secondary school kids that are still studying to enjoy the moment, have fun and all. i'd think one thing that seriously helps when you're stress is to go to sleep, you'll wake up feeling better, and thats what i'm gonna do now. sleep!
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